Let's face it: Watching this season's Giants is a painful experience for all involved, especially now that the team owns the third-worst record in the National League. To take the edge off, we offer a handy drinking game to get fans through a long, scoreless summer. (Disclaimer: SF Weekly does not advocate alcohol abuse; however, those who attempt to remain sober while suffering through nine-plus dismal, offense-free innings do so at their own risk.)
Takeadrink every time a player whose name makes you feel vaguely dirty steps up to bat. You'll be hammered, guaranteed, with the likes of Brian Bocock and Tim Lincecum on the roster. Between innings, debate which NL West infielder has the worst genitalia-related surname: Bocock or the Padres' Kevin "Cooze" Kouzmanoff. Drink twice every time Bruce Bochy puts a Merkin on the mound — reliever Merkin Valdez, that is.
Drink each time closer Brian Wilson takes the hill. If we win, your shot is celebratory; if he blows the save, someone will inevitably make a reference to Pet Sounds, and you can start a whiskey-soaked singalong to "Wouldn't It Be Nice," subbing in your own lyrics as desired.
Knock one back every time the announcer calls out the name of the next batter and half the stadium asks, "Who?" With rookies making up nearly a quarter of the roster, it's no wonder this year's team is virtually unrecognizable.
Drink once whenever the scoreboard flashes birthday stats for a batter born during the Johnson administration.
Drink twice every time the scoreboard flashes birthday stats for a batter born after you graduated from high school. (Trust me, you'll need that second one when you realize Tim Lincecum will have earned more money by his 25th birthday than you're likely to make in a decade.)
Take a drink every time Matt Cain pitches eight innings of one-hit ball — and even dunks one of his own into McCovey Cove — but takes a loss anyway because the rest of the lineup goes 0-fer.
Raise a glass every time SportsCenter reports on the team without using the words "cream," "clear," "grand jury," "asterisk," or "BALCO."
Finally, drink to the epic awfulness of the NL West, taking comfort in the fact that the Giants could drop a dozen in a row and still stay a few games up on the Padres and the Rockies.