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Gay Weddings We’d Really Like to See 

Wednesday, Jun 25 2008
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Gavin Newsom and Dan Noyes

How long together: One four-year term
Their love story: Most viewed ABC7 TV reporter Mr. Noyes' hostile questioning of the mayor as evidence of a hate-hate relationship, but insiders sensed the underlying sexual tension. It boiled over at a press conference when Mr. Noyes blurted out, "Will you resign? And ... marry me?"
Possible wedding gift: Penis-shaped microphone (multipurpose!)

Barry Zito and Barry Bonds

How long together: Two years
Their love story: In the locker room in 2007, Mr. Bonds demonstrated to Mr. Zito that his testicles hadn't shrunk since his rookie year. Mr. Zito, meanwhile, showed his teammate how much his ERA had grown since his rookie year.
Possible wedding gift: A vibrating Louisville Slugger and lots of "flaxseed oil"

Michael Savage and Tom Ammiano

How long together: One year
Their love story: Mr. Ammiano, a San Francisco supervisor and member of the homosexual mafia, says Mr. Savage's antigay rhetoric on his radio show conceals his gentler side ... and his pretty mouth.
Possible wedding gift: A ball gag

Phil Matier and Andrew Ross

How long together: 30 years
Their love story: We have it on good authority the Chronicle's political columnists consummated their love while Willie Brown watched. A little birdie also tells us that Phil Bronstein officiated at Messrs. Matier and Ross' closed-to-the-public ceremony.
Possible wedding gift: A hot tip on a Pottery Barn sale

George Takei and Frank Chu

How long together: Since Star date 2005
Their love story: Mr. Takei, who played Sulu on Star Trek, met San Fran's favorite pathological citizen at 12 Galaxies. Says Mr. Takei, "He had me at 'Cesjrical ergonomics WASPRENIKIL admonishMENTS minuscule stratosperic, hello.'"
Possible wedding gift: Astroglide

Bruce Brugmann and Tim Redmond

How long together: 25 years
Their love story: Mr. Redmond came to work for the Bay Guardian in the '80s, when his ponytail wasn't so pathetic, and found an ideological soulmate — and the bear of his dreams — in publisher Mr. Brugmann.
Possible wedding gift: $15.6 million plus interest

Tara VanDerveer and Joanne Boyle

How long together: Three years
Their love story: In 2006, Ms. VanDerveer, the legendary coach of Stanford's women's basketball team, led the Cardinal over rival Cal and walked over to shake hands with Ms. Boyle, the Bears' coach. They quickly fled to the locker room for a little "one on one."
Possible wedding gift: Buzzer beaters

Oski and the Stanford Tree

How long together: 15 years
Their love story: As a friend says of the odd couple, "They may be from rival schools, but they're also the gayest mascots in the country."
Possible wedding gift: A furry-fetish DVD

Heather Fong and Joanne Hayes-White

How long together: Disputed
Their love story: The police chief and the fire chief met ... wait, what's that? What do you mean they're not gay?
Possible wedding gift: Are you sure they're not dykes? Really?

Assemblyman Mark Leno and State Senator Carole Migden

How long together: Three weeks
Their love story: It may not be a same-sex marriage, but a gay man marrying a lesbian — definitely queer! Oh, as for their love story — let's go with, uh, Mr. Leno fell in love with Ms. Migden's hair during the state senate campaign.
Possible wedding gift: A new job for Ms. Migden ... and a hairbrush

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