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I’m all black and blue. Thanks, internet! 

Wednesday, Aug 6 2008
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The Clickable Clit continues this week with more online adventures from the personal life of an SF-based cybersex expert…



Wednesday, July 30, 11:30 a.m.

Oh no, it’s the return of the awkward “LOL.”

A few years back, I wrote a piece about how middle-aged men resting their exposed genitals on the plastic straps of lawn chairs use terms like "LOL" to mitigate their sheer ridiculousness. I should probably explain. At the time I had an older sugar daddy in Second Life who, when talking about the things he was doing in real life (e.g. sitting around naked in a lawn chair), would often end his sentences with "laugh out loud," as if that somehow made what he was saying more normal and less weird. It was an interesting way for a popular internet abbreviation that's supposed to mean you're having a good time to instead mean, "Don't judge me!"

Well, it seems the awkward LOL is back in my life, and it's once again in use by an older man. I've mentioned I put out a call on Beautiful Stranger, my cybersex matchmaking site, for "research participants"--i.e. people to have sex with me online for science. One of the people who've responded is a forty-something surfer from Hawaii who spends a lot of time on a site called 321SexChat. I agreed to check it out with him, but we keep missing each other. That somehow leads him to send me messages like the following: "You know, it really sucks being at work when you'd rather be engaged in some form of wild behavior that results in a climax. LOL."

LOL indeed, sir. LOL indeed.

Monday, August 4, 9:00 p.m.

Remember how I thought I might be losing my faith in online dating, and specifically in hipster love site OkCupid? Well, my faith has definitely been restoring. After a weekend of offline fun with the internet boy I mentioned last week, my extremely bruised inner thighs are evidence of that. Amusingly enough, I’ve been to both a communal spa and the OBGYN since having my legs bitten raw in fits of passion. I warned the doctor it “looked like I’d been in a car accident” before I removed the little paper sheet covering my black and blue marks. She muttered something about “consensual,” I said definitely, and she tried not to look disapproving. As for the spa, I’m hoping my bruises paled in comparison to the shock of the cold dunking pool, which is a shock no naked person should have to endure, therefore rendering them invisible. The truth is though, I’m proud of my marks, even if wearing a skirt over the next week or two will mean preparing to tell strangers, “I fell down some stairs.”

Tuesday, August 5, 11:30 a.m.

With or without my balding surfer, I decided to check out 321SexChat today, since I’m always up for new research venues. I don’t know what I expected – an actually clean, well-lit, intelligent environment for online sex, maybe? – but what I found seems pretty standard in the land of fast internet hook-ups. Basically the site is little more than a singular adult-themed chat room. Here are some observations:

1) As per usual, there were more men than woman around. That would make the odds for a girl like me pretty appealing, if it weren’t for the fact that all the “men” use fake photos of rippling muscles and have names like “18foryou.” Are you 18? Are you really?

2) The first thing every single boy I talked to asked was “a/s/l?” Granted, it’s pretty standard to start a low-level (like pond scum low) sex chat with “age, sex, location?” but it sure does set a tone that says, “This conversation will be quick, dirty, and markedly uncreative.”

3) Unlike other sex chat rooms, for example AOL’s, 321SexChat has a nice system for one-on-one texting. When someone wants to send you a personal message, it appears on your screen with all the rest of the chatroom noise, but comes with a little link that allows you to click to talk in private. Unfortunately, everyone’s second question after “a/s/l?” is “Yahoo or MSN?” Apparently those private chat windows are notorious for crashing, so no one has cybersex at 321SexChat anyways. They just hook up and head elsewhere.

I’ll admit, my research session got cut short when I lost my patience with one subject (i.e. horny British guy) who just would not stop insisting he call me up so I could listen while he jerked off. I tried the “my roommates are here” excuse. No go. I tried, “I’m more of a text kind of girl.” Still no. Plus he kept calling me “yummy” and telling me my “sexyness” was so “fuckably delicious.” Now, “fuckably” I can get behind as a made-up word, but please, if you’re going to make up things about a woman you’ve never seen, at least learn how to spell sexiness.

To reach The Clickable Clit, write to Bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com, or follow her exploits in more detail throughout the week at her cybersex blog, Cybersexy.

About The Author

Bonnie Ruberg

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Slideshows

  • Nevada City and the South Yuba River: A gold country getaway

    Nestled in the green pine-covered hills of the Northern Sierra Nevada is the Gold Rush town of Nevada City. Beautiful Victorian houses line the streets, keeping the old-time charm alive, and a vibrant downtown is home to world-class art, theater and music. The nearby South Yuba River State Park is known for its emerald swimming holes during the summer and radiant leaf colors during autumn. These days the gold panning is more for tourists than prospectors, but the gold miner spirit is still in the air.

    South Yuba River State Park and Swimming Holes:
    The park runs along and below 20 miles of the South Yuba River, offering hiking, mountain biking, gold panning and swimming. The Highway 49 bridge swimming hole is seven-miles northwest of Nevada City where Highway 49 crosses the South Yuba River. Parking is readily available and it is a short, steep hike to a stunning swimming hole beneath a footbridge. For the more intrepid, trails extend along the river with access to secluded swim spots. The Bridgeport swimming hole has calm waters and a sandy beach -- good for families and cookouts -- and is located 14 miles northwest of Nevada City. Be sure to write down directions before heading out, GPS may not be available. Most swimming holes on the South Yuba River are best from July to September, while winter and spring can bring dangerous rapids. Always know the current before jumping in!

    Downtown Nevada City
    The welcoming, walkable downtown of Nevada City is laid back, yet full of life. Start your day at the cozy South Pine Cafe (110 S Pine St.) with a lobster benedict or a spicy Jamaican tofu scramble. Then stroll the streets and stop into the shop Kitkitdizzi (423 Broad St.) for handcrafted goods unique to the region, vintage wears and local art “all with California gold rush swagger,” as stated by owners Carrie Hawthorne and Kira Westly. Surrounded by Gold Rush history, modern gold jewelry is made from locally found nuggets and is found at Utopian Stone Custom Jewelers (301 Broad St.). For a coffee shop with Victorian charm try The Curly Wolf (217 Broad St.), an espresso house and music venue with German pastries and light fare. A perfect way to cool down during the hot summer months can be found at Treats (110 York St.) , an artisan ice cream shop with flavors like pear ginger sorbet or vegan chai coconut. Nightlife is aplenty with music halls, alehouses or dive bars like the Mine Shaft Saloon (222 Broad St.).

    The Willo Steakhouse (16898 State Hwy 49, Nevada City)
    Along Highway 49, just west of Nevada City, is The Willo, a classic roadhouse and bar where you’re welcomed by the smell of steak and a dining room full of locals. In 1947 a Quonset hut (a semi-cylindrical building) was purchased from the US Army and transported to its current location, and opened as a bar, which became popular with lumberjacks and miners. The bar was passed down through the decades and a covered structure was added to enlarge the bar and create a dining area. The original Quonset beams are still visible in the bar and current owners Mike Byrne and Nancy Wilson keep the roadhouse tradition going with carefully aged New York steaks and house made ingredients. Pair your steak or fish with a local wine, such as the Rough and Ready Red, or bring your own for a small corkage fee. Check the website for specials, such as rib-eye on Fridays.

    Outside Inn (575 E Broad St.)
    A 16-room motel a short walk from downtown, each room features a unique décor, such as the Paddlers’ Suite or the Wildflower Room. A friendly staff and an office full of information about local trails, swimming and biking gets you started on your outdoor exploration. Amenities include an outdoor shower, a summer swimming pool and picnic tables and barbeques. Don’t miss the free vegetable cart just outside the motel in the mornings.

    Written and photographed by Beth LaBerge for the SF Weekly.

  • Arcade Fire at Shoreline
    Arcade Fire opened their US tour at Shoreline Amphitheater to a full house who was there in support of their album "Reflector," which was released last fall. Dan Deacon opened the show to a happily surprised early audience and got the crowd actively dancing and warmed up. DEVO was originally on the bill to support Arcade Fire but a kayak accident last week had sidelined lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh and the duration of the west coast leg of the tour. Win Butler did a homage to DEVO by performing Uncontrollable Urge.

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