Gavin Newson's New Age adviser gives voters some advice

To relieve anxiety from the too-close-to-call 2008 presidential campaign, look to another election whose conclusion is all but foregone. Events leading up to the 2010 governor's election paint a clear path to California's future.

Local superstar Gavin Newsom has assembled a crack team of political advisers including Eric Jaye. For metaphysical advice, though, Newsom will turn to Peninsula hypnotist Carol Simone. For those of you who haven't heard of Simone — she prefers to go without her first name — she's the psychic, spiritual healer, and intuitive consultant who reportedly gave Newsom advice about his internal life before she officiated at his recent Montana wedding. Comparisons have been made between Simone and Joan Quigley, the San Francisco astrologist who helped Nancy Reagan plan the timing of international summits. But Simone won't be giving secondhand advice to California's first executive: She'll transmit wisdom from the spirit world directly to Gov. Newsom's ear.

SF Weekly bought a copy of Simone's novel, The Goddess of Fifth Avenue, to divine how she might help Newsom solve problems cited by frustrated Californians, who, conveniently, pose their questions for the future governor in a Dear Abby format.

Dear Simone,

My boss, a state assemblyman, is always tardy. Now he's two months late producing a budget for California. Should I speak up? Or should I accept procrastination as part of the creative process?

Bored Waiting

Dear Bored Waiting,

Sometimes we put things off waiting for what turns out to be the perfect moment.

"It's taken some time for me to get ready for my appointment with the goddess who lives beneath the ocean. Ever since I was a little girl I have avoided all kinds of deep water, fearing that I would be swept away into a sea of destructive emotion. ... And then the goddess Quan Yin appeared. It was she who invited me to open my heart and leave this troubled world for a more heavenly destination: Lemuria, a continent destroyed by Atlantis a long, long time ago, floating now in a dimension far beneath the Pacific. Lemuria, a civilization that has mystically reemerged, and where, even today, peace prevails."

Dear Simone,
I'm principal of a 1,200-student high school in Stockton which has been struggling with low test scores, violence, and decaying buildings. During the past three years I'd been able to hire five new, talented teachers who've got students pumped up in classes like math and biology, a new counselor who's helping troublesome students cope with broken home lives, and set aside some money to repave the basketball court. With California's 2008 budget shortfall we're looking at laying off the teachers and counselor and putting up with potholed playgrounds. How do I hold this school, and my head, together?

Principally Undone

Dear Principally Undone,
Teach your students to change focus from the physical to the spirit realm.

"I cashed in my IRAs, sold my luxurious East Fifties brownstone, and the black Saab convertible I was nervous about driving in New York City anyway. I dumped my overstuffed Chanel makeup bag and Montblanc pens.

"Now my body is composed of rivers of moving light. ... I swim right alongside Her Majesty. An island floats like a fetus in the distance, protected from every angle by an aura of sacredness. Although it is far away it is massive. As we approach, I make out a pyramid positioned in the center, surrounded by palm trees and white stone structures. There are tender, gardenia-scented breezes and fields of golden wheat blowing in the warm wind. We are moving closer. A feeling comes over me, something old and familiar — I know I have been here before. This is Lemuria, the ending and the beginning."

Dear Simone,
My balloon payment kicked in on my new house four days after I lost my job at the box factory. I've applied for work at Home Depot and TGI Friday's with no luck. How do I keep my cool as Marge and the kids and I face foreclosure?

Almost Homeless in Brentwood

Dear Almost Homeless,
I, too, have felt the urge to jump out of the rat race. My advice: Why resist?

"When I finally began to open my eyes and hope for a bigger, saner world, an immortal tiger appeared. I helped a woman die wrapped in a garbage bag on Fifth Avenue near Tiffany's and a goddess entered my soul like a piece of violet silk, changing my life forever ...

"The sky is a marbled fuchsia. I begin the slow wade in. Gently, the lackadaisical waves slap at my legs and hips; I can feel the angelfish and tang bobbing below. The exhausting world — where I feel driven to please everyone, where I lose myself in the endless discord and disorder, the half-baked relationships with men and my chatterbox "coyote" mind — lies behind me now. With every step I am letting go of everything.

"Why wouldn't I leave? Knowing how extraordinary it is out there, what could hold me here? Besides, my spirit is ready now, and I have a crumpled map of Lemuria here in my hand. I feel quite confident that I will find it."

Next Page »
My Voice Nation Help
Sort: Newest | Oldest
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.