We Solve The City's Problems

Our Affordable Housing Plan: Move to Oakland.

Energy: Turbines powered by one of San Francisco's greatest natural resources — sanctimoniousness. One issue of the Bay Guardian could power the Tenderloin for a month. Two months, if it has a guest editorial by Chris Daly.

Energy, Pt. II: In addition to using used grease from restaurants to power Muni buses, also salvage used grease from Gavin Newsom's hair.

Muni: Increase ridership with "Throw Momma From the Train Tuesdays" promotion.

Homelessness: Start a rumor that Berkeley has an extra cigarette.

Childhood Obesity: 8 a.m. dodgeball sessions with Coach Chris Daly.

Crime: Here's a radical idea — actually solve homicides.

Gay Marriage: If Prop. 8 wins, secede from the United States and declare ourselves the independent nation of Homoslavia or Lesbianastan.

The Economy: Encourage people to eat out with a burrito-focused stimulus package in which residents get a free meal at El Farolito paid for by the city. (Sorry, guac is still extra.)