How to Be Polite on Muni

• Remember: A gentleman gives a lady his seat. A dickhead gives his newspaper one.

• Polite passengers share their crack pipes when asked.

• That guy's Burning Man costume is not funny until after he's left the train.

• When the bus stops to board a person in a wheelchair, it's not nice to yell, "Oh, fanFUCKINGtastic."

• No matter what the loud smelly man says, he really isn't interested in your assessment of his worldview.

• Remember: Everybody can hear what you're saying on your cell phone, so keep up the graphic sex talk.

• When defacing a public-service ad, do not draw big hairy balls dangling from the chins of everyone depicted. One set of hairy chin-balls gets the point across just fine.

• For Muni drivers: If ever your sardine-packed train is stalled in a tunnel for 15 minutes during sweltering heat or chilling cold, it is considered tactful to go on the intercom and announce, "There appears to be a delay." Bonus points for informing passengers when the train will start moving again.

• Riders should be forewarned that all bus lines except the 14, 29, and 38 are now strictly urine-free.

• Be sure to toss the empty bag of Flamin' Hot Funyuns where everyone can see it in order to flaunt your superior taste in snack foods.