Benjamin Wachs' New Year's Resolutions

• Get away with murder. What's the SFPD going to do, catch me?

• Crush Mayor Gavin Newsom by talking about San Francisco for nine hours straight.

• Remember that the barista in the organic coffee shop does not like me better with my shirt off.

• Find a more environmentally sound alternative to water, and put it in plastic bottles.

• Improve my reading skills by watching more movies based on books.

• Give more money to the needy by buying newspapers.

• Illegally download only good music.

• Go back to the San Francisco Zoo. If we don't go back to the zoo, the tigers have won.

• Laugh at New College graduates even harder.

• Use Twitter to work through my difficult family issues in increments of 140 characters or fewer.

• Hate whomever the progressives tell me to.

• Try very hard to take the city's supervisors as seriously as they take themselves.

• Fail to rezone the Eastern Neighborhoods.

• Keep telling myself that Burning Man is about the art.

• Spend more time with my loved ones online.