How to recruit teachers in S.F.

Last week, an independent report found that the San Francisco school district is frequently failing to hire the most qualified teachers. What can the district do better?

• Install full bar in the faculty lounge

• Return job applicants' phone calls

• Let teachers teach in the neighborhood where they live

• Crack down on the bands of angry former JROTC students roaming the halls

• Stop asking prospective teachers, "Would you kill for us? Would you be any good at it?"

• Change district slogan from "Where Liberal Compassion Runs Amok" to almost anything else

• Stop using teacher résumés as reading exercises

• Cancel the successful "Principal for a Day" program for gang leaders

• Make the "Are You Progressive Enough?" series of teacher trainings optional

• Let chemistry teachers sell anything they make in the lab

• Take the words "survival of the fittest" out of the district's mission statement

• Allow teachers to take Columbus Day off — but only if they sign a form pledging to feel guilty all day

• Forget the waste of time that is teaching Machiavelli, Hobbes, and Lord of the Flies. Just take kids on a field trip to City Hall

• Make sure to hire English instructors who speak real good

• Offer stock options