The S.F. Botanical Garden's wish list

Comments (0) By Benjamin Wachs Wednesday, Apr 15 2009

The Recreation and Parks Department has unveiled a plan to charge for admittance to the San Francisco Botanical Garden in order to raise money to turn the facility into a "world-class" tourist destination. How will the garden change under the plan?

 Man-eating plants will now be labeled

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 All roads will lead to the gift shop

 Garden entrance will be blocked by a velvet rope

 Promotional tie-in with Taco Bell's new "Botanical Fiesta Nachos" will bring amazing publicity

 Bottle service

 New species of plant added that thrives under flash photography

 Barbed-wire electrical fences powered by solar panels, tipped with locally grown herbal poison, will keep out the neighbors

 Souvenir pot plants

 Name will change to San Francisco VIP Botanical Garden

 Foreign varietals entering the arboretum illegally will be turned over to immigration

 New security staff will be trained to say, "Can I examine your hand stamp?" and "This T-shirt is available in three sizes!" in multiple languages

 Three levels of membership: For $5 you can see the plants, for $25 you can name them, and for $100 you can burn any one species to extinction

 Roller-coaster added

 The same sober sense of mission that defines the gift shop at the Japanese Tea Garden will be used to make sure the Botanical Garden is stocked up on bobbleheads