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The S.F. Botanical Garden's wish list
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By Benjamin Wachs
Published on April 14, 2009 at 1:11pm
The Recreation and Parks Department has unveiled a plan to charge for admittance to the San Francisco Botanical Garden in order to raise money to turn the facility into a "world-class" tourist destination. How will the garden change under the plan?
• Man-eating plants will now be labeled
• All roads will lead to the gift shop
• Garden entrance will be blocked by a velvet rope
• Promotional tie-in with Taco Bell's new "Botanical Fiesta Nachos" will bring amazing publicity
• Bottle service
• New species of plant added that thrives under flash photography
• Barbed-wire electrical fences powered by solar panels, tipped with locally grown herbal poison, will keep out the neighbors
• Souvenir pot plants
• Name will change to San Francisco VIP Botanical Garden
• Foreign varietals entering the arboretum illegally will be turned over to immigration
• New security staff will be trained to say, "Can I examine your hand stamp?" and "This T-shirt is available in three sizes!" in multiple languages
• Three levels of membership: For $5 you can see the plants, for $25 you can name them, and for $100 you can burn any one species to extinction
• Roller-coaster added
• The same sober sense of mission that defines the gift shop at the Japanese Tea Garden will be used to make sure the Botanical Garden is stocked up on bobbleheads
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