Dancing on the Culture Bus' ashes

It seems the ill-conceived, bright-yellow Muni 74X CultureBus — created to shuttle tourists to various San Francisco cultural icons and backed by Mayor Gavin Newsom — has lost more than half a million dollars in less than a year. Given its imminent demise, here are some new ways to promote the arts and burn through cash:

• Hire younger, hotter docent-strippers at SFMOMA.

• Commission SFSU creative writing students to fashion cardboard signs with compelling narratives and evocative wordplay for the homeless. "Need bus fare to Bakersfield" becomes "The road to the land of smog and sun whispers to me."

• Stage a revival of the musical Hair starring Mayor Newsom. Call it Grease.

Beach Blanket Babylon ... in the nude.

• Randomly combine fragments of Yelp reviews to create an epic poem about the city. No matter how bad, it will still get four stars.

• Stage an opera based on the Bay Guardian's epic struggle to vanquish PG&E, starring publisher Bruce Brugmann. Title: It Ain't Over Until the Fat Man Sings.

• Commission architect Frank Gehry to remake Coit Tower as an Anchor Steam bottle, instantly transforming it into an architectural shrine for Marina frat boys.

• Offer a monthly "Give Away a Monet" promotion at the de Young. Pricey, but think of the crowds.

• Reposition the Examiner as a journal of experimental poetry. Suddenly, all the typos are celebrated as art instead of just bad copy editing.

• Cast a larger-than-life public sculpture of Giants pitcher Barry Zito's left arm in solid gold. Don't worry about the price; it will cost less and throw better than the real thing.

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