By Chris Roberts
By Joe Eskenazi
By Albert Samaha
By Mike Billings
By Rachel Swan
By Erin Sherbert
By Joe Eskenazi
By Albert Samaha
Dear Sucka Free City,
I elected this charismatic babe to be mayor. At first, he was sweet and attentive; he'd even go around town in disguise (i.e., without hair gel) to see firsthand how well city services were working. I felt like this guy was different — like he was the one. Now I hardly ever see him. Even worse, I hear rumors about him going to other cities and wooing voters there, including those valley skanks in Stockton. But would Central Valley farmers forgive his drunken indiscretions like I did? I know I'm not as attractive as I used to be; I'm all fat with this bloated budget, and my friends say I'm ungovernable. What should I do?
Dear San Francisco,
Politicians are always sweet and attentive during the courting phase until they get what they want. Once the election is consummated, their eyes start to wander. (And did you really think a guy who nailed his friend's wife was going to remain faithful?) Face it — he's moved on, and so should you. Don't blame yourself for his actions; he's just doing what politicians do. You're a fantastic city. Find yourself another mayor who still finds you alluring — and wants to plug your potholes.
Get the point? No? Sigh. We should've figured; your man's phenomenal approval ratings show you are in deep denial. Okay, how do we know he's just not that into you, S.F.? Let us recount the ways.
He's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you.
Yeah, yeah, we know: Things were going so well. First, he (briefly) legalized gay marriage; then he jumped on the bandwagon for universal health care. Now, all of a sudden, he's harder to find than "Ross Mirkarimi for Board President" paraphernalia. He was a no-show at the commemoration of the 1906 quake, he blew off the Democratic Party's "Unity" luncheon, and his staff cancels his weekly meetings with the president of the board of supervisors with fiberlike regularity. You think there must be a reasonable explanation for his disappearance. "Maybe he's dead," you speculate. Brain-dead, perhaps, but he's still alive; dead people don't make appearances on Anderson Cooper 360° (Larry King is another matter).
We understand, S.F.: You want closure. You want to yell at him and let him know how much he hurt you. Since he's never going to call you, why don't you just do this: Post your feelings on his Facebook wall ... and then one of his lackeys can unfriend you. Closure achieved.
He's just not that into you if he won't talk to you.
Just because he accepted your request to follow him on Twitter does not mean he's into you. He has 270,000 other followers on Twitter — and they're younger than you are. Furthermore, healthy relationships require direct communication and substantive dialogue, not periodic 140-character updates. (And it doesn't mean he wants to be exclusive if he responds to a love letter you sent him with a preprinted thank-you note and a request to donate $500 to his gubernatorial campaign.)
A mayor interested in maintaining a relationship with you, San Francisco, would answer calls from reporters — local ones, interested in your needs. We can't remember a time when we in the S.F. press corps got a callback from Mr. Right. Meanwhile, he's flirting with out-of-town media like CNN, Newsweek, and that red-headed temptress Maureen Dowd, who won't ask him pesky questions like, "So what are you doing to deal with the city's budget crisis between campaign stops?" or, "If you're so 'green,' why have you been pillaging Muni's budget to pay your aides' salaries?" or, "Are your teeth naturally that white?"
He's just not that into you if he's unavailable.
A guy who cares about you will be there in your hour of need; he doesn't hightail it out of town. Where was your man during the Cosco Busan oil spill in 2007? He was doused with oil himself — on a Hawaiian vacation. And where has he been for the past few months during the city's $500 million budget crisis? He took a nice trip to Davos, Switzerland, to the World Economic Forum (to talk about the global economic crisis — or, more accurately, to be seen talking about the global economic crisis). Then he went to San Jose to have a town hall there (but no town hall here?). Then, of course, he went to Los Angeles (to talk to Ryan Seacrest about hair products — L'Oreal, baby!). It seems he's always somewhere else — and let's be real: Long-distance relationships never work (especially with a mayor). Sure, he's a very busy man. But if a guy is truly into running a city, he'll make time for it.
What's the message here, San Francisco? We trust you know the answer by now.
Joe Eskenazi contributed to this "report."
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