Your days of wandering the streets in search of your perfect watering hole are over! Just take this handy quiz and find which bar best suits you by answering these 10 questions.
1. The word "Fuck" denotes
A ) a '90s indie rock band from Oakland on the Matador label.
B ) what the Neofascist-Cretinous-Torture-Monkey Bush administration can go do to itself.
C ) the acronym For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, your favorite Van Halen album (if you had to pick just one).
D ) a Middle English word with its origins in "fucken," meaning to strike, move quickly, or penetrate.
E ) a verb, a noun, and an adjective in my daily speech.
F ) the only thing you are looking to do when you go out to a bar.
2. Your favorite
make-out music is
A ) Barry White (to be ironic, of course).
B ) any and all Joni Mitchell.
C ) any late-period Aerosmith.
D ) whatever was hip and atmospheric five years ago.
E ) Sleep's Jerusalem.
F ) whatever is on my XLR8R streaming podcast.
3. You're on a first date with someone you
really like, but you accidentally break wind. How do you handle it?
A ) Hope that your date is too lost in the Radio Birdman to notice.
B ) Hope that your overpowering BO will mask the scent.
C ) Play it off as though it was your date who farted, emphasizing that whomever smelt it, dealt it.
D ) Blame the arugula.
E ) Immediately take out your Zippo and light it on fire.
F ) Swear to yourself that you will never again engage in a 69 after eating soyrizo.
4. Your idea of a perfect vacation is
A ) driving across the country and hitting every thrift store in search of rare Tamla 7-inches.
B ) a meditation retreat, preferably clothing-optional.
C ) the Cabo fuckin' Wabo.
D ) exploring artisan cheese farms in Basque country.
E ) simply not having to go to work ... but since I have no job, every day is essentially a vacation.
F ) Ibiza, Ibiza, Ibiza!
5. Finish this sentence: Koala
is to Eucalyptus as Beaver is to
A ) Wally.
B ) the cruel and inhuman pelt trade.
C ) titties and Buffalo chicken wings.
D ) Animal Collective.
E ) my dick.
F ) a deciduous hardwood.
6. The best part of living in San Francisco is
A ) walking down the same streets Jonathan Richman does.
B ) walking down the same streets Jerry Garcia once did.
C ) all the anonymous gay sex you can have without your wife finding out.
D ) being within walking distance from Gary Danko.
E ) being within walking distance from 16th Street, where you score your horse.
F ) a wealth of used Nissans just waiting to be detailed with racing stripes, a sweet sound system, and gold rims.
Stranger" refers to what?
A ) Your favorite Tuxedomoon song (if you had to pick just one).
B ) A seminal existentialist novel.
C ) Billy Joel's best work.
D ) A drink made with pomegranates and Hendrick's gin.
E ) Sobriety, in relation to you.
F ) The person you woke up next to today.
8. What was the
last good book you read?
A ) Hot Water Music by Charles Bukowski.
B ) Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse.
C ) The back of a box of Fruity Pebbles.
D ) The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.
E ) Lords of Chaos by Michael Moynihan and Didrik Soderlind.
F ) The Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer.
9. The plot of David Lynch's Mulholland Drive was
A ) nothing in comparison to Lost Highway — or Eraserhead, for that matter.
B ) Steppenwolf on acid.
C ) I didn't get it.
D ) a surrealist, allegorical view of The Wizard of Oz vis-à-vis Hollywood.
E ) two chicks fucking.
F ) Who cares? Let's dance.
10. You see a broken-down bum fall into the
street, passed out. You
A ) carefully help him back up, admiring his vintage corduroy Levi's jacket and wondering whether he is wearing it out of poverty or if he is actually kind of hip.
B ) are reminded of the fragility of man, as you step over him and into the bar.
C ) blame the welfare state.
D ) are reminded of the filthiness of your gutters and make a mental note to call Jorge in the morning.
E ) help your date to his feet, dust him off, and take him home.
F ) Who cares? Let's dance.
SCORING: If you answered mostly As, your bar is Casanova Lounge (527 Valencia at 16th St., 863-9328). If you answered mostly Bs, your bar is Vesuvio (255 Columbus at Jack Kerouac, 362-3370). If you answered mostly Cs, your bar is Hooters (353 Jefferson at Jones, 409-9464). If you answered mostly Ds, your bar is Bourbon & Branch (501 Jones at O'Farrell, 673-1921). If you answered mostly Es, your bar is Benders Bar & Grill (806 South Van Ness at 19th St., 824-1800). If you answered mostly Fs, your bar is Slide (430 Mason at Geary, 421-1916).