How to Sell Marriage Equality

Last week, the gay-marriage movement in San Francisco sent volunteers to Fresno to start canvassing for the support of voters in more conservative parts of California. Here are some tips for how to win over people who live in conservative counties:

• Don't start a conversation by saying, "Your God is a lie."

• The connection between the persecution of gays and the situation in Palestine is not as clear as you think.

• Don't refer to stuff you did at Burning Man.

• No one will be impressed by all the gay celebrities you can name.

• Try saying, "You have a very nice lawn" instead of "How do you live in this godforsaken hellhole?"

• "Christian" is not regarded as an insult in all parts of the country.

• Shouting "Fascist!" is not an appropriate way to say, "We'd like to count on your vote."

• That hilarious story you tell about how stupid someone has to be to join the military isn't funny to veterans.

• In many parts of California, citizens do not believe that you can judge a person by their carbon footprint.

• Try to keep the focus strictly on the right of gay people to love one another, instead of branching out into the need for legalized pot.

• Try to avoid mentioning astrology ... even if you're really, really sure that the guy with the American flag on his front lawn is a Libra and thus open-minded.