Compost, or else, says Newsom

Gavin Newsom's proposal requiring all San Francisco residents to recycle and compost their trash is being signed into law. What do you need to know about the new regulations?

• Trash day just became hell for the colorblind.

• Homeowners will be assumed guilty until proven innocent.

• Fines will be levied against anyone throwing out "Newsom for Governor" material.

• The amount of paperwork used to levy fines will actually exceed the amount of paper recycled under the new ordinance.

• If you don't know whether an item is recyclable, call 311, whose operators will give you the number of someone who also doesn't know.

• In conjunction with Healthy San Francisco, your trash collectors will also be looking for evidence that you've exceeded your recommended daily caloric intake.

• The San Francisco recycling center will not accept right-wing magazines.

• If the environment isn't saved by 2020, it's your fault.

• Dead bodies go in the green bin, but their clothes go in the blue bin, unless they're artificial fabrics, in which case they go in the black bin.

• City compost will be trucked 200 miles to vineyards that use pesticides.

• San Francisco expects a significant increase in program revenue once we begin to train totalitarian regimes on how to best root through their citizens' garbage looking for evidence.