City conditions that may have stalled the Renaissance Faire

San Francisco's Renaissance Faire announced that it would not operate in the city this year because of new, overly restrictive conditions set by the city's Recreation and Parks Department. What were those conditions?

• Really enormous kickbacks in shekels, mead, and livestock

• Just this once, Mary Queen of Scots gets to conquer England

• The winner of the joust has to make a speech endorsing HRH Gavin Newsom for governor

• Renaissance needs to be less Eurocentric

• Enormous slabs of meat must have labels listing all ingredients

• The royal horses have to be tied up at metered parking spaces

• Serving wenches must be represented by SEIU Local 1021

• Vandals and drunks will have their cases sent to the Community Justice Center

• Dowries must include city-funded brochure, Patriarchy and its Discontents

• Renaissance Faire scheduled for the same date, time, and location as Critical Mass

• The entire 16th century can be fined for not composting properly