Bouncer’s Five-Year Anniversary Quiz

Happy birthday, Bouncer! Five years of stickin’ it to the Man, exposing the wrongs of City Hall, and generally being a thorn in the side of power ... oh, wait. No, that’s Matt Smith. Right …

Nope. I write the self-serving, frivolous column about dives and drunks. And thank God for that. I was originally hired to write a “clubs column,” wherein the premise was to follow the underground scene of DJs, up-and-coming local bands, and social trends that make San Francisco one of the coolest places on Earth. Well, it didn’t take long for my editors to find out that I was the last person to lead such a charge. That left us to figure out what subject I knew enough about to write about, and we were left with $2 PBR nights at local shitholes. I’d found my niche.

In honor of Bouncer’s fifth anniversary and my own love of puzzles, I’ve put together a quiz. The person who gets the most answers correct wins an all-expenses-paid night out on the town with Bouncer.* (Ties will be broken by the best response to this brain teaser: Why is a raven like a writhing disc?).

Send your answers to Katy.StClair@SFWeekly.com. Good luck!

1. Bouncer's readership is composed mostly of

• Folks who want to follow S.F.'s underground scene of DJs, up-and-coming local bands, and social trends

• Armchair alcoholics

• People who make it halfway through the column before they realize that they aren't, in fact, reading Savage Love

• Oceanographers

2. The subject of the very first Bouncer was

• The Zodiac killer

• Domesticated goats at an all-night rave

• The Fernet-Branca maxim

• Signs of intelligent life in the Marina bar scene

3. Which Bouncer column generated the most reader mail?

• The one about the passing of Wilco'sJay Bennett

• The comparison of Schroeder's on Front Street to the Third Reich

• The one about the homos

• The column that attempted to articulate the female equivalent of the phrase "Cock block"

4. If push comes to shove, what is the first thing Bouncer will select on a jukebox at a bar?

• Anything produced by Kid Cudi

• Anything sung by Beeb Birtles

• The solo works of Giorgio Moroder

Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street"

5. Which bar did Bouncer describe as like"being in Katie Holmes' vagina"?

• Bourbon and Branch

• Chevys in Stonestown Mall

• Rickshaw Stop

Larry Flynt's Hustler Club

6. What is the average word length of aBouncer column?

• 1,200

• About 1,999 too many

• Just enough to draw yet more attention to the writer under the guise of a bar review

• Just enough to balance out the hooker ads in the back

7. In which Bouncer column did the writer finally admit that she was powerless over alcohol and that her life had become unmanageable?

• Any of them that were written the morning after a bar visit

• None of them — denial is unfortunately part of the disease

• After she woke up in Gavin Newsom's SUV

• One evening when she found herself actually enjoying the Marina

8. Bouncer once wrote about meeting a blind date at Dalva. When the date started to go south, what did she do to extricate herself from the situation?

• Said she had to go potty and slipped out the front door

• Told the guy that she used to be a man

• Started regaling the dude with stories from her youth spent in St. Olaf, Minnesota

• Hurried up and paid the guy

9. What book has Bouncer referred to as her Bible?

Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet

The Holy Quran

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret

Autobiography of a Yogi

10. Which term for free food served at bars (bar snacks) has Bouncer oft-coined, yet never seems to catch on?

• Booze Chewz

• B'snacks

• Dipsodoodles

• Prettzells

11. Bouncer has often been described as "mean-spirited." Which unfortunate demographic has received the most vitriol in print?

• Wine snobs

• Bartenders who are blind to Bouncer's charms

• Tourists

• Anyone who plays Santana on the jukebox

12. Which one of these lines did not appear in a Bouncer column?

• "He had a face only a motherfuckercould love."

• "I got someone sent to prison this week."

• "I love fireflies. And I love my brother."

• "Was it Frank Zappa who said about cocaine, 'Never eat the yellow blow'?"

* Provided you are okay with public transportation, the aforementioned $2 PBRs, and burritos.

 
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