List: Checkout time

Hotel workers are picketing all over Union Square, staging multiday strikes and disrupting the delicate spirit of holiday commerce like so many hairs on a bedspread. Eww. What are their demands?

• One night in Paris

• Chocolates placed on bed at home

• No copay for spa vodkatinis

• Fewer naked guys just wandering out of bathrooms during housekeeping service

• Cocktail-bar prostitutes get full medical

• Bellhops no longer hop; can roll up on guests whenever

• Used prophylactics on floor will be gently transferred to guest's toiletry bag

• Hotel security gets some wicked Pentagon shit

• Valet drivers get sponsor patches and NASCAR groupies

• "Priceline" Shatner winds up dead somewhere

• No more questions about missing Toblerones

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