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Listomania 2009: Unintentional Lyrical Hilarity 

Wednesday, Dec 30 2009
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The Most Unintentionally Hilarious Lyrics of 2009

The lowest common denominator having been achieved in 2005 with the release of the Black Eyed Peas' Monkey Business, popular musicians have had to work extra hard in recent years to find new and inventive ways to be inane.

They found great success in 2009, with artists as varied as Lady Gaga, Bruce Springsteen, and Royce da 5'9" making the nation collectively dumber. Here are the top 10 most unintentionally hilarious song lyrics of the year.

We can float on top my waterbed/You close your eyes as I improv between your legs
Jeremih, "Birthday Sex"
What is this, Second City? The Groundlings? Where, exactly, can one take a class in this particular brand of improv?

Shush, girl/Shut your lips/Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips
3OH!3, "Don't Trust Me"
Halfway through the writing of "Don't Trust Me," the members of 3OH!3 apparently called a meeting. "Sure, we're already referring to the song's female protagonist as a 'ho,' which is pretty offensive, considering we're white guys," singer Sean Foreman mused. "But is there a way we could step it up a little? Like, maybe reference the most beloved disabled figure of all time in a derogatory manner?" "It's not going to be easy," partner Nathaniel Motte said. "But I've got an idea."

Let's have some fun/This beat is sick/I want to take a ride on your disco stick
Lady Gaga, "LoveGame"
The literal roots of "disco stick" remain a mystery. Is it something like a glow stick? A pogo stick? As far as sexual metaphors aimed at appealing to very young children, however, it somehow bests Lil Wayne's "Lollipop," 50 Cent's "Amusement Park," and Lil Kim's "Magic Stick." Bravo, Gaga!

Now watch me make a movie like Albert Hitchcock
Pitbull, "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)"
Though IMDB has plenty of information on another, similarly named director, it doesn't have much on this Albert Hitchcock guy, so one wonders what kind of films he makes. Perhaps ones involving randy Miami rappers doing a whole lot of poorly researched name-dropping?

It's so crazy/She's like Baby/I'm like Swayze
New Kids on the Block, "Dirty Dancing"
You would think that the last thing the somewhat-revitalized New Kids on the Block would want to do is remind people that it's not 1987 anymore. Perhaps, however, we shouldn't think of "Dirty Dancing" as an early-2009, anachronistic attempt by a bunch of 40-year-olds to stay relevant to teens. We should just think of it as a prophetic tribute to Patrick Swayze, sadly a ghost before his time.

I learned from life's lessons/If you keep on pressin'/You'll eventually end up on top/Like salad dressing
Paul Wall, "Got to Get It"
Salad dressing starts off on top, yes, but then usually pools at the bottom in a creamy white puddle of derivative lyrics and preposterous similes. Wait, what are we talking about?

I'm beasting, off the Riesling/And my nigga just made it out the precinct
Kanye West, "Run This Town"
West pulls out all the tough-guy stops in an attempt to impress his mentor Jay-Z on "Run This Town," even donning a bandanna over his mouth for the video's battle royale. He's aggressive, he's angry, he's beasting off the Riesling? What, there was no Zima?

Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex/Seein' right through you like you're bathin' in Windex
Mariah Carey, "Obsessed"
Take that, Eminem! Talk trash about Carey and her husband, Nick Cannon, and she's just going to zing you right back. You know, by talking about how transparent you are, how it's almost like you're sitting in a tub full of window-washer fluid. Invisible, practically. You'd just better hope she doesn't accuse you of being up in her George Foreman, because then you'll be in trouble.

When I was born, my momma pussy had the new car smell
Royce da 5'9", "New Money"
This tidbit of information must have been relayed to Royce by whom, the attending physician? Momma should probably have that checked out.

I'm in love with the queen of the supermarket/As the evening sky turns blue/A dream awaits in aisle number two
Bruce Springsteen, "Queen of the Supermarket"
It was shaping up as a good year for Bruce Springsteen when the most cringeworthy thing he'd done was stick his crotch in the camera at the Super Bowl halftime show. But then came "Queen of the Supermarket," which tells the story of a horny shopper having the most pathetic midlife crisis imaginable. To fully appreciate it, watch the video of folks shopping for produce as you contemplate transcendent poetry like "Though her company cap covers her hair/Nothing can hide the beauty waiting there."

For more year-end lists, including the best in Americana, hip-hop, DJ/dance, metal, and more, visit blogs.sfweekly.com/shookdown.

Read more Listomania 2009:
College Records of the Year by Rob Harvilla.

About The Author

Ben Westhoff

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Slideshows

  • Nevada City and the South Yuba River: A gold country getaway

    Nestled in the green pine-covered hills of the Northern Sierra Nevada is the Gold Rush town of Nevada City. Beautiful Victorian houses line the streets, keeping the old-time charm alive, and a vibrant downtown is home to world-class art, theater and music. The nearby South Yuba River State Park is known for its emerald swimming holes during the summer and radiant leaf colors during autumn. These days the gold panning is more for tourists than prospectors, but the gold miner spirit is still in the air.

    South Yuba River State Park and Swimming Holes:
    The park runs along and below 20 miles of the South Yuba River, offering hiking, mountain biking, gold panning and swimming. The Highway 49 bridge swimming hole is seven-miles northwest of Nevada City where Highway 49 crosses the South Yuba River. Parking is readily available and it is a short, steep hike to a stunning swimming hole beneath a footbridge. For the more intrepid, trails extend along the river with access to secluded swim spots. The Bridgeport swimming hole has calm waters and a sandy beach -- good for families and cookouts -- and is located 14 miles northwest of Nevada City. Be sure to write down directions before heading out, GPS may not be available. Most swimming holes on the South Yuba River are best from July to September, while winter and spring can bring dangerous rapids. Always know the current before jumping in!

    Downtown Nevada City
    The welcoming, walkable downtown of Nevada City is laid back, yet full of life. Start your day at the cozy South Pine Cafe (110 S Pine St.) with a lobster benedict or a spicy Jamaican tofu scramble. Then stroll the streets and stop into the shop Kitkitdizzi (423 Broad St.) for handcrafted goods unique to the region, vintage wears and local art “all with California gold rush swagger,” as stated by owners Carrie Hawthorne and Kira Westly. Surrounded by Gold Rush history, modern gold jewelry is made from locally found nuggets and is found at Utopian Stone Custom Jewelers (301 Broad St.). For a coffee shop with Victorian charm try The Curly Wolf (217 Broad St.), an espresso house and music venue with German pastries and light fare. A perfect way to cool down during the hot summer months can be found at Treats (110 York St.) , an artisan ice cream shop with flavors like pear ginger sorbet or vegan chai coconut. Nightlife is aplenty with music halls, alehouses or dive bars like the Mine Shaft Saloon (222 Broad St.).

    The Willo Steakhouse (16898 State Hwy 49, Nevada City)
    Along Highway 49, just west of Nevada City, is The Willo, a classic roadhouse and bar where you’re welcomed by the smell of steak and a dining room full of locals. In 1947 a Quonset hut (a semi-cylindrical building) was purchased from the US Army and transported to its current location, and opened as a bar, which became popular with lumberjacks and miners. The bar was passed down through the decades and a covered structure was added to enlarge the bar and create a dining area. The original Quonset beams are still visible in the bar and current owners Mike Byrne and Nancy Wilson keep the roadhouse tradition going with carefully aged New York steaks and house made ingredients. Pair your steak or fish with a local wine, such as the Rough and Ready Red, or bring your own for a small corkage fee. Check the website for specials, such as rib-eye on Fridays.

    Outside Inn (575 E Broad St.)
    A 16-room motel a short walk from downtown, each room features a unique décor, such as the Paddlers’ Suite or the Wildflower Room. A friendly staff and an office full of information about local trails, swimming and biking gets you started on your outdoor exploration. Amenities include an outdoor shower, a summer swimming pool and picnic tables and barbeques. Don’t miss the free vegetable cart just outside the motel in the mornings.

    Written and photographed by Beth LaBerge for the SF Weekly.

  • Arcade Fire at Shoreline
    Arcade Fire opened their US tour at Shoreline Amphitheater to a full house who was there in support of their album "Reflector," which was released last fall. Dan Deacon opened the show to a happily surprised early audience and got the crowd actively dancing and warmed up. DEVO was originally on the bill to support Arcade Fire but a kayak accident last week had sidelined lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh and the duration of the west coast leg of the tour. Win Butler did a homage to DEVO by performing Uncontrollable Urge.

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