SFuture Shock: Bold predictions for the coming year

Dave Eggers adapts another children's book for the big screen. No one knew The Very Hungry Caterpillar could be so depressing.

• In an attempt to help residents heal from Trauma, another San Francisco–based TV show is launched, starring local mixed martial arts badass Cung Le as a crime-fighting Frank Chu and Jennifer Siebel Newsom as the woman behind the man behind the sign.

San Francisco agrees to relinquish the 49ers on the condition that Santa Clara takes the Bushman, too.

• Crooning gadfly Walter Paulson turns Board of Supervisors meetings into American Idol–esque competitions. The FCC rules that Chris Daly's songs must be preceded by a 30-minute parental advisory warning.

• After experiencing no repercussions for his decision to ignore the new sanctuary city policy, Mayor Gavin Newsom announces a new program called SFIgnore, the tagline of which is "La la la I can't hear you."

• There is an earthquake. Newsom blames the Board of Supervisors.

• Ongoing problems with the Bay Bridge inspire a Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy about the difficulties San Franciscans face when they try to date someone who lives in the East Bay. Title: He's Just Not That into the Bay Bridge, BART, or You.

• People start to see a pattern. Newsom pretends there are no such things as patterns. Triumphant press releases go out as SFIgnore is declared a success.

• In a last-ditch effort to save money and improve efficiency, Muni will replace bus stops with bus slow-down zones. A drop-and-roll exit proficiency card will be required along with your Fast Pass.

• In an attempt to stand in solidarity with same-sex couples who still can't legally wed in California, straight San Franciscans declare that they will cease marrying and divorcing until Proposition 8 is repealed or James Franco answers their marriage proposals in the affirmative, whichever comes first.

• Hipsters finally get jobs and take off the flannel they've been wearing for the past three years. Palomino will be the new Zeitgeist, literally and figuratively.

• Due to the increased distinction awarded to the subjects of Missed Connections posts, San Franciscans completely stop interacting in public. To keep commerce and dating from coming to a standstill, government officials force Craigslist founder Craig Newmark to create a new section: Connections That Actually Happened.

• San Franciscans become bored with ruthlessly reviewing restaurants and start writing Yelp reviews of the people they date. Average residents' self-esteem will hover uncomfortably at three stars: "On my first visit to Jane, I found her friendly and nice to look at, if a little slow in the service area. But when she called me 12 times in a row on Friday night, she revealed herself to be needy in a way that is far too cloying for my palate."

• In an attempt to combat the SFPD's rampant laptop-confiscation efforts, local DJs will replace made-to-be-confiscated laptops with nonportable instruments like pianos. The atmosphere at illegal warehouse parties in SOMA changes completely, and 2010 goes down in history as the birth of the Slow Dance movement.

• The Chronicle is forced to use its entire print edition as an advertisement for what readers can find at SFGate.com.

SF Weekly finally settles with the Bay Guardian. In pennies.

• The composting ordinance is taken to the next level with the implementation of human composting. Any residents found to be treating their bodies like trash will be asked to donate them to a community garden at Civic Center.

• Next year's Treasure Island Music Festival will be completely overrun by prepubescent girls dressed how Pocahontas would have dressed if her mom had no idea she was tripping on acid and shopping at American Apparel 24/7. Oh, wait — that already happened.

• The kittens in the Macy's windows will become cats.

• By removing food from containers and selling it out of tents in the middle of the street, Trader Joe's will finally begin acting like the farmers' market San Franciscans always knew it could be. The imported cat meat in Chocolate Cat Cookies will be replaced by locally grown cat meat. The kittens in the Macy's windows will never have a chance to become cats.

• So many more street fairs will be created that San Franciscans will never have a chance to sober up.

• The battle between the Gettys and the Trainas for the title of San Francisco's Most Famous Rich Family starts to look like a scene from Romeo and Juliet when warring family members begin carrying swords and speaking in Elizabethan English at Pacific Heights charity balls.

• The summer will be cold, foggy, and miserable. September will be hot. Everyone will complain about the weather at all times.

Ramona Emerson is not a certified psychic, although her mother has described her as having qualities that are "barely human," and there was that one time where she totally guessed the ending of Titanic and her boyfriend was pretty impressed, or at least he pretended to be, since he knew that if he didn't Ramona would probably predict that they were going to break up, which she did later that night after having a pretty vivid image in her teacup of her and Leonardo DiCaprio's wedding day. As it turned out, both Ramona and her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend were pretty psychic. But only one of them was psychic enough to contribute to this column.
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