If you think you’re quick with the cutting riposte, take a moment with this phrase: Ozzy Osbourne wrote a book. Okay? Go! How’d you do? If the best you came up with was “Ozzy knows how to write?” then shake it out and regroup. “My condolences to the copy editor.” Better! “An alphabet book?” Okay! “And so J.D. Salinger’s unpublished work arrives.” Whatever! Anyway, this is what the master himself threw back at GQ, which opened an interview wondering the same thing: “Well, believe me, I didn't sit down and put pen to fucking paper. I'd still be writing the first page.” Well played! True enough, Ozzy didn't write anything in I Am Ozzy. He had a ghostwriter, of course — Ozzy without a ghostwriter would be like Sarah Palin without a ... ghostwriter. The best part about this is that Ozzy, the Prince of Darkness, will be holding court in the Ferry Building today, a Sunday, amidst peaceable strollers looking for braised short ribs and sustainable nettles, signing a book about his bloody-hell life. Best time ever for your parents to visit — "Those are organic fairy ring mushrooms from Monterey Bay. And over there? That's imported Ozzy, fresh from my dark childhood."
Sun., Feb. 21, 3 p.m., 2010

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