@sk Jamie Varon: Are public displays of affection okay on Twitter and Facebook?

Dear Jamie,

Is it okay to flirt with my guy on Facebook and/or Twitter? It's getting really hard to resist.

Flirtless

Have you ever met that couple who are all over each other at a party, making out inappropriately? That couple you suddenly spot and wonder whether they even know other people exist in this world besides them? That couple where you want to be all, "Get a fucking room" as you walk by, so they will actually, you know, get a fucking room? That couple who make you uncomfortable because you sit there wondering, "Is there penetration? There must be penetration. Now, that's just not right ..."

We get it. You like to put your parts in each other. Got it.

Yeah, that's how you are when you flirt with your boyfriend on Facebook or Twitter. It just makes us awkward and kind of embarrassed for you. How insecure are you with your relationship that you must publicly declare how you feel about each other across every single social network? You <3 him on Facebook? Yeah, well, all of your friends think you two are vomit-inducing.</p>

Actually, wait: If you can be witty with each other while flirting, we might want to see that. For example, say your boyfriend is tweeting and he's all, "God, I really wish I could be less stressed out right now." And you tweet, "Honey, come into the other room and I'll help you feel less stressed. Wink wink." Actually, no, that's still awkward. Fuck, you can't win.

Wait. Maybe you could have an actual fight on Facebook on your boyfriend's wall. It should be over something petty, such as when a cute girl writes on his wall and you write back with, "Bitch, stay away from my man!" And then some weird girl fight is happening on his wall. Yeah, we like that. We like to make fun of you behind your back and take bets on when you two will either break up or get married. Most bets are on the breakup.

But don't worry. People defy odds all the time. I'm sure you will live happily ever after. No, really. Just as long as you keep using Facebook and Twitter to prove to us all how much you love each other. That's true <3 right there. No, really.</p>

Have a question about social-media etiquette? E-mail askjamievaron@gmail.com.

 
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