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You may think resolutions are meaningless and simply preach to the choir. This letter proves differently. 

FROM: Chris Daly

TO: David Chiu

RE: Nonbinding resolutions to propose at future Board of Supervisors meetings

Mr. President:

Fuck you! I saw your memo wondering if maybe we've been making fools of ourselves by putting forward too many "nonbinding" resolutions supporting causes we have absolutely nothing to do with. Get out of democracy's way! As an elected official of San Francisco, I will never shirk from my duty to govern America. And not just America as it exists, either: the fictitious, hypothetically perfect America in my head counts for just as much as real people do. That's what civil rights are all about.

So here is a list of nonbinding resolutions my truly progressive colleagues and I plan to vote on next. Don't think you can stop us: We will move heaven and earth to make these gestures, no matter how empty.  

Resolution A345465 — Resolved that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors supports a peaceful and equitable solution to the ethnic violence in Kyrgyzstan.  

I think if we apply moral pressure, they'll listen.

Resolution A688925 — Resolved that any intelligent life in the Andromeda Galaxy will adopt a transit-first policy.

This is a good start, but I'm hoping to amend it to mention bicycles.

Resolution A128766 — Resolved that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors apologizes for Texas Representative Joe Barton's apology to BP.

The number of times we've had to apologize for Texas is staggering. When will they learn?  

Resolution A441837 — Resolved that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors holds that full custody of baby Tripp should be awarded to Levi Johnston instead of Bristol Palin.

This is open-and-shut. Frankly, I think we should rule in more custody cases.

Resolution A535021 — Resolved that the winning U.S. goal in its World Cup soccer match with Algeria was illegal and illegitimate.

Professional sports are not progressive, and besides, Algeria is on our list of possible sister countries. The whole world is waiting for San Francisco to take a stand on this.

Resolution A693531 — Resolved that PG&E is up to something.

This resolution will extend our self-imposed deadline for figuring out what it is until 2015. I have a call in to Tim Redmond about it.

Resolution A893753 — Resolved that Rachel Maddow shall have San Francisco's babies.

I know she's a lesbian and we're a city/county, but we'll find a way to make this work. What else is our medical technology for?

I know that some of these seem a little much, but we have to act now. Michela Alioto-Pier is preparing Resolution B6614 — Resolved that kids are nice. Are we going to let her get away with that? And Sean Elsbernd is busy writing Resolution B7899 — Resolved that I should learn judo before meeting Muni drivers. And Gavin Newsom is preparing nonbinding Resolution C1234 — Resolved that I'm lieutenant governor and you're not. It has more than 20 "whereas" clauses. Frankly, it's the nuclear option.

This is war, David. I may be a fucking pacifist, but I fucking intend to win it.

Chris

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Slideshows

  • Nevada City and the South Yuba River: A gold country getaway

    Nestled in the green pine-covered hills of the Northern Sierra Nevada is the Gold Rush town of Nevada City. Beautiful Victorian houses line the streets, keeping the old-time charm alive, and a vibrant downtown is home to world-class art, theater and music. The nearby South Yuba River State Park is known for its emerald swimming holes during the summer and radiant leaf colors during autumn. These days the gold panning is more for tourists than prospectors, but the gold miner spirit is still in the air.

    South Yuba River State Park and Swimming Holes:
    The park runs along and below 20 miles of the South Yuba River, offering hiking, mountain biking, gold panning and swimming. The Highway 49 bridge swimming hole is seven-miles northwest of Nevada City where Highway 49 crosses the South Yuba River. Parking is readily available and it is a short, steep hike to a stunning swimming hole beneath a footbridge. For the more intrepid, trails extend along the river with access to secluded swim spots. The Bridgeport swimming hole has calm waters and a sandy beach -- good for families and cookouts -- and is located 14 miles northwest of Nevada City. Be sure to write down directions before heading out, GPS may not be available. Most swimming holes on the South Yuba River are best from July to September, while winter and spring can bring dangerous rapids. Always know the current before jumping in!

    Downtown Nevada City
    The welcoming, walkable downtown of Nevada City is laid back, yet full of life. Start your day at the cozy South Pine Cafe (110 S Pine St.) with a lobster benedict or a spicy Jamaican tofu scramble. Then stroll the streets and stop into the shop Kitkitdizzi (423 Broad St.) for handcrafted goods unique to the region, vintage wears and local art “all with California gold rush swagger,” as stated by owners Carrie Hawthorne and Kira Westly. Surrounded by Gold Rush history, modern gold jewelry is made from locally found nuggets and is found at Utopian Stone Custom Jewelers (301 Broad St.). For a coffee shop with Victorian charm try The Curly Wolf (217 Broad St.), an espresso house and music venue with German pastries and light fare. A perfect way to cool down during the hot summer months can be found at Treats (110 York St.) , an artisan ice cream shop with flavors like pear ginger sorbet or vegan chai coconut. Nightlife is aplenty with music halls, alehouses or dive bars like the Mine Shaft Saloon (222 Broad St.).

    The Willo Steakhouse (16898 State Hwy 49, Nevada City)
    Along Highway 49, just west of Nevada City, is The Willo, a classic roadhouse and bar where you’re welcomed by the smell of steak and a dining room full of locals. In 1947 a Quonset hut (a semi-cylindrical building) was purchased from the US Army and transported to its current location, and opened as a bar, which became popular with lumberjacks and miners. The bar was passed down through the decades and a covered structure was added to enlarge the bar and create a dining area. The original Quonset beams are still visible in the bar and current owners Mike Byrne and Nancy Wilson keep the roadhouse tradition going with carefully aged New York steaks and house made ingredients. Pair your steak or fish with a local wine, such as the Rough and Ready Red, or bring your own for a small corkage fee. Check the website for specials, such as rib-eye on Fridays.

    Outside Inn (575 E Broad St.)
    A 16-room motel a short walk from downtown, each room features a unique décor, such as the Paddlers’ Suite or the Wildflower Room. A friendly staff and an office full of information about local trails, swimming and biking gets you started on your outdoor exploration. Amenities include an outdoor shower, a summer swimming pool and picnic tables and barbeques. Don’t miss the free vegetable cart just outside the motel in the mornings.

    Written and photographed by Beth LaBerge for the SF Weekly.

  • Arcade Fire at Shoreline
    Arcade Fire opened their US tour at Shoreline Amphitheater to a full house who was there in support of their album "Reflector," which was released last fall. Dan Deacon opened the show to a happily surprised early audience and got the crowd actively dancing and warmed up. DEVO was originally on the bill to support Arcade Fire but a kayak accident last week had sidelined lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh and the duration of the west coast leg of the tour. Win Butler did a homage to DEVO by performing Uncontrollable Urge.

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