You may think resolutions are meaningless and simply preach to the choir. This letter proves differently.
FROM: Chris Daly
TO: David Chiu
RE: Nonbinding resolutions to propose at future Board of Supervisors meetings
Fuck you! I saw your memo wondering if maybe we've been making fools of ourselves by putting forward too many "nonbinding" resolutions supporting causes we have absolutely nothing to do with. Get out of democracy's way! As an elected official of San Francisco, I will never shirk from my duty to govern America. And not just America as it exists, either: the fictitious, hypothetically perfect America in my head counts for just as much as real people do. That's what civil rights are all about.
So here is a list of nonbinding resolutions my truly progressive colleagues and I plan to vote on next. Don't think you can stop us: We will move heaven and earth to make these gestures, no matter how empty.
Resolution A345465 — Resolved that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors supports a peaceful and equitable solution to the ethnic violence in Kyrgyzstan.
I think if we apply moral pressure, they'll listen.
Resolution A688925 — Resolved that any intelligent life in the Andromeda Galaxy will adopt a transit-first policy.
This is a good start, but I'm hoping to amend it to mention bicycles.
Resolution A128766 — Resolved that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors apologizes for Texas Representative Joe Barton's apology to BP.
The number of times we've had to apologize for Texas is staggering. When will they learn?
Resolution A441837 — Resolved that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors holds that full custody of baby Tripp should be awarded to Levi Johnston instead of Bristol Palin.
This is open-and-shut. Frankly, I think we should rule in more custody cases.
Resolution A535021 — Resolved that the winning U.S. goal in its World Cup soccer match with Algeria was illegal and illegitimate.
Professional sports are not progressive, and besides, Algeria is on our list of possible sister countries. The whole world is waiting for San Francisco to take a stand on this.
Resolution A693531 — Resolved that PG&E is up to something.
This resolution will extend our self-imposed deadline for figuring out what it is until 2015. I have a call in to Tim Redmond about it.
Resolution A893753 — Resolved that Rachel Maddow shall have San Francisco's babies.
I know she's a lesbian and we're a city/county, but we'll find a way to make this work. What else is our medical technology for?
I know that some of these seem a little much, but we have to act now. Michela Alioto-Pier is preparing Resolution B6614 — Resolved that kids are nice. Are we going to let her get away with that? And Sean Elsbernd is busy writing Resolution B7899 — Resolved that I should learn judo before meeting Muni drivers. And Gavin Newsom is preparing nonbinding Resolution C1234 — Resolved that I'm lieutenant governor and you're not. It has more than 20 "whereas" clauses. Frankly, it's the nuclear option.
This is war, David. I may be a fucking pacifist, but I fucking intend to win it.