Attention, Guardianistas: Here are your endorsements.

Comments (0) By George Orwell Wednesday, Oct 27 2010

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Die, Prop. B: DIE!

STATE BALLOT MEASURES

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Prop. 19 (to legalize marijuana): Yes! Yes ... Are you paying attention? Seriously, this is important.

This measure to legalize pot is ahead at the polls, but sinister forces are conspiring to defeat this much-needed law. According to a chart prepared by our numerous unpaid interns, opposition to this measure is being secretly supported by John Boehner, Dick Cheney, 9/11 widows, Florida orange growers, Spain, your dad, Zionists, and the National Hockey League. We know this sounds paranoid now, but you should see the charts we'll come up with if Prop. 19 passes.

So be cool, all right? Vote yes. Stick it to your dad.

Proposition 23 (global warming): No! No! No!

Prop. 23 is funded by Texas oil companies who want to stop California from enforcing its tough new air emissions standards, because they think it's a Communist plot. That's crazy: If it were a Communist plot, we'd have a chart about it on our wall.

Every time this country does something good, people in Texas try to stop it. Look at the last 20 years and tell us that isn't true. A Texan killed the Clinton surplus and plunged America into debt, championed standardized testing in our schools, and ruined country music. By voting against Prop. 23, we have a rare opportunity to defend the environment and mess with Texas.