I am the protagonist of the story, of course; the hero. So this means that I will escape unscathed. I will shine the tiny flashlight on my keychain and mesmerize them so that I can slink off.

If this were an Outer Limits episode, I would eventually be sitting comfortably in the pod of my space shuttle, logging the day's events on my Powerbook and hitting "send" with a flourish.

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