Predictions for San Francisco 2011

January
• Major telecommunications collapse and the grid melts down. Municipal services fail. Cities go quiet. Black smoke looms on the horizon and food production halts. A thin cry, animalistic, issues from the north.

February
• The cities remain quiet.

March
Courtney Love releases a new album.

April
• Local pizza guru Anthony Mangieri stares at a bottle of date oil for a month.
• Muni storms prime time with Fights on a Bus.
• The Board of Supervisors are alarmed that there should be goddamn disposable straws available.
Taco Bell opens a medical marijuana seating area.
• "Giants fever" is 100 percent cured by torturous losing game against San Diego.

May
• Brian Wilson last seen with a pinwheel at the Folsom Street Fair.
• Lieutenant governor kicked out of lieutenant governor's mansion by lieutenant governor's wife.
• Sit/lie law amended to include people with alcoholic seizures.
San Francisco magazine publishes the same architecture issue it published every spring the last three years.
Bay to Breakers relocated to a sand lot in Colma.

June
• NBC's Dancing with the Castro Lesbians cancelled during opening credits.
• Hyperlocal blogger thrown out of the microhood.
• Even your mother starts to notice the occult symbols in Google's logo doodles.
• On opening day, the Dolores Park Dipping Dots Food Cart finds niche as a urinal.

July
• The Big One hits. Nailed it!
• Prominent local artist squashed like a grape after moving to New York.
The Chronicle lets its Foursquare team go.
• Walnut replaces Braden as the most popular terrible baby name in the city.
Sarah Palin hits town on her bicoastal "Clarifying My Remarks about Gays" Tour.

August
• Web 3.0 darling Blastr buys Twitter just to watch it die.
• Tourists walk into lampposts while not looking at naked men in the Castro.
Willie Brown spends all day chasing after his labradoodle in Civic Center Plaza.
• Local band Sonny & the Sunsets exacts a brutal revenge for the CD review we're not publishing at all now.
• The Board of Supervisors wonders what the hell is going on with mustard packets.

September
• Cutting costs, the Chronicle tweets the Monday edition.
• Critical Mass ends as Priuses surrender. "Four wheels bad," cowardly Volt whispers.
• Local restaurateur and Food Network star Tyler Florence tries to boil a cake on The Today Show.
• Web TV catches fire. Hah. Bullshit.
• The Board of Supervisors' minds are blown down the hall by those fucking juice boxes.

October
• Opioids legalized inside interim mayor's office.
• Cop discovers second BART ghost station full of confused homeless under the city. Gavin Newsom subpoenaed.
• Journalism grad shops around investigative piece about tasty salsas.

November
• Circumcision banned!
• Muni explains buses would explode if stopped right next to bus stops.
• City program offers to exchange every Happy Meal toy with a rough-sanded wood chunk or "block."
• Progressives shamed as Tenderloin's congestion-pricing toll does nothing to stagger prostitutes throughout the evening hours.

December
• Mission farmer slaughters a goat in her urban farm's hallway half-bath.
• The Board of Supervisors spins off the planet debating possibly dangerous Mylar party balloons.
• The 49ers clinch a spot in the divisional playoffs, and a city wonders: Who did what again?
• "I'm sitting on a donkey double-fisting lemon rum behind this broad who likes to show me her butt and she's doing that now, on the donkey, or is it her ass? Philippines, 1983." So begins the memoirs of Phil Bronstein.

 
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