Hammer Time

Litquake is rife with quality literary events, but organizers understand that sometimes you just want to hold a beer and watch wrestling. Hence: “Figure Four Caps Lock: Pro Wrestling Memoirs from Classy Freddie Blassie to The Fabulous Moolah.” No fights are on the schedule, but Rik Luxury is appearing, so maybe you can start something. Insult him, then run behind Incredibly Strange Wrestling’s Norman Zelaya and Greg Franklin — and tell them to drop a Polish hammer on Luxury. That’ll be easy because you’ll already have burlesque dancer Lady Monster hypnotizing them with clockwise fire tassels and famed Bay Area wrestling announcer Allan Bolte booming their names to the crowd — Zeeeeeelaya! Be sure to hold Bob Calhoun back, because he was ISW’s honcho, and those are his boys out there. They might be out of practice — it’s been a few years since regular matches — so have wrestling manager Shane Dynasty repeatedly scream, “Drop the fucking Polish hammer!” with all that wonderful managerial spittle. Mind the writers around you, like Literary Death Match host Alia Volz and Rock Stardom for Dumbshits’ Michael Lucas, because they’ll be busy absorbing all this for future work. If things get too nasty, send in soccer scribe and bar-owner Alan Black, but we recommend using him very cautiously. When it’s over, have all these people resume reading famous wrestling memoirs to the audience, because that’s ostensibly why they’re on the bill for the strangest lineup that Litquake has produced yet.
Fri., Oct. 14, 7 p.m., 2011

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