Summer Guide 2013: Best Practices for Drinking in the Park...

Be subtle
Besides the obvious benefits of drinking in a park rather than a bar (fresh air, nice views, cheaper prices, day-drinking without feeling like a degenerate), part of the fun of park-boozing is the middle school sense of glee at breaking the rules. But don't flaunt your rebelliousness like an asshole. Brown bags are the obvious misdirection, a tacit agreement between you and the people around you that you could just be chugging a refreshing Coke Zero that you forgot to take out of its paper receptacle. And if you want to be bolder you can always...

Rock a koozie
Let's be real: There's no world where a foam beer koozie is an effective disguise for your beer (everyone can see that distinctive strip of Tecate red peeking out from the top). But it will keep your beer cold and make you look cool depending on its level of irony. Deploy accordingly.

Don't be a booze snob
Parks are for watery beer and screwcap wine drunk from plastic cups. Do not bring wine glasses. Do not bring a $12 bottle of Belgian beer or that rare Grand Cru that you've been cellaring. That said, if cheap alcohol absolutely offends your sensitive palate, that's okay too — the park is a democratic space! — as long as you internalize your sneers at your companions' drinking choices.

Use discretion when playing tunes
It's an empirical fact that gatherings are more festive with a soundtrack, and it's fine to score your afternoon with the new Daft Punk on the Jambox. But this isn't your living room. Don't blast music so loudly that the grassy field suddenly feels like a dance floor. Don't pump out explicit songs when there are children or elderly tour groups present. And if someone asks you to turn it down/off, don't compare them to Hitler or that dance-hating mayor in the town from Footloose.

Instagram, but don't be a douchebag
Of course you want everyone to know that you have a fabulous life in which you spend all your time drinking outdoors with your great group of friends – that's what social media is made for. But stay away from annoying humblebrags ("Soaking up the sun in Dolores Park! Too bad I forgot the sunscreen.") and straight-up brags ("Friends and sunshine! I love my life!").

Be nice to other people's kids and dogs
Sometimes children toddle over to your blanket looking for a game of peek-a-boo. Sometimes dogs bound over and want to slobber all over you. Indulge them until their parents/owners come looking; they won't be far behind. If you can't interact with these adorable creatures for a few minutes, you should probably just stay at Zeitgeist.

Keep your PDA PG-13
We know, when the two of you are together it feels like there's no one else in the world. Except there is, and watching your dry-humping isn't as much of a turn-on to the rest of us as you might assume. Rule of thumb: If you are doing something that could elicit the phrase "get a room," remove your hand from your partner's pants and go find one.

Play lawn games,but if the park is crowded, pack it up
You know what's really a bummer when you're just trying to kick back in the sun with a tallboy? The constant fear that you're about to be hit in the head with a Frisbee or errant lawn golf ball. Keep in mind those poor souls unlucky enough to be in your proximity don't believe you when you promise not to hit them.

Don't get sloppy
The social contract of park drinking precludes excessive drunkenness and bad behavior. Don't ruin it for everyone else by getting unbearably loud or so wasted you can't even stand up. If you keep it classy and take the party to a bar when the wind kicks up and/or you're getting too rowdy for a public place, you're on the path to enjoying productive park drinking sessions for years to come.


...and Handling Drugs in a Proper Fashion...

Seal it up
Convenient, isn't it, that the world's most popular illegal drug is among the very stankiest. To avoid broadcasting to the world that you're holding, contain the kush to the pill containers available at most honest marijuana dealers — the ones that pay taxes at least — or stash your J away in a Doob Tube. DoobTubin.com.

Eat it up
Smuggle a beer or a plastic water bottle full of Bushmills into a baseball game and you're a hero; sneak a toke on a bat or share a preroll with your section in the late innings and security is texted. So endear yourself to your section-mates instead with medicated popcorn, trail mix, or the granola nugs Vapor Room provides via its delivery service. VaporRoom.com.

Vape it up
There's nothing like a joint at the beach at sunset. There's also nothing quite like no joint at the beach at sunset because a giant wind just blew all the weed you were twisting up into the nearest sand dune. Join the 21st-century and get with a portable vaporizer. No need to grind and roll means more leisure time. There are dozens to choose from, start at HydroVapePens.com.

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