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San Francisco Urges...: What We'd Like to See, But Have No Business Asking For 

Wednesday, Nov 6 2013
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The election cycle was already a place of fantasy before we ever came along. Not a vote could go by without the catalog of delusion we call nonbinding resolutions, in which San Francisco urges changes great and small in the world at large — and which it has no authority, money, or will to enact. We now continue a great tradition of pointless requests here.

San Francisco urges...

Residents to stop moving to Oakland and other affordable areas.

Residents to cease drinking sugary beverages and redouble their efforts to eat locally made ice creams, pastries, cronuts, and other desserts poor people can't afford.

Muni to limit the number of pedestrians and cyclists it runs over and work with the community to develop newer and more forward-thinking ways of killing people.

Electric-car pioneer Tesla and combustible-car pioneer Ford to pool their knowledge and develop a better combustible electric car.

Those not covered via the mid-Market exemption to refrain from calling it "Frisco."

Twerking only in properly zoned areas.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to put down a deposit on AT&T Park for their inevitable divorce.

Eva Longoria to stop dancing erotically with her pets in cat-food commercials.

Ex-San Franciscan Gavin Newsom to finally let us go to his house and get our stuff: It's over, Gavin!

The formation of a Stakeholders' Task Force to define the terms "Stakeholders" and "Task Force."

Limiting all of Ed Lee's speeches to 140 characters.

The city's trademarking of the terms "disrupt," "monetize," and "the cloud," thereby ensuring a revenue stream from start-ups.

Stiff legal penalties against anyone referring to Train as a "San Francisco band."

Google to put more shipping containers in the Bay and open them up as affordable housing.

Apple to create an app that tells us what to love, so that we don't have to work so hard figuring it out.

Everyone to stop polluting right now.

The U.S. military to develop a deeper appreciation of irony.

The Catholic Church to transition into a Church-themed cabaret we can all enjoy.

Somebody to invent a technology that makes Facebook like us for a change.

Any and all large gorillas to refrain from climbing skyscrapers per Prop. Q of 1977.

McDonalds to go vegan. Although we still won't eat there.

Scientology to make more videos, so that the Internet will be funny again.

The NSA to refrain from publicizing our safe words.

An injunction against usage of the catchphrase "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" in light of that city's practice of busing its homeless population to San Francisco.

San Franciscans to please dream some attainable dreams.

About The Author

Staff, SF Weekly

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