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Members Only: At Last, Sex Toys That Cost More Than a Mazda 

Wednesday, Feb 12 2014
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Olga fits, confidently, across the palm of your hand. The "exclusive 24-karat gold-plated pleasure object" resembles a high-end plumbing fixture; the sort of faucet, one imagines, gracing the bathroom sinks of a kleptocrat's dacha. This pleasure object, however, has some serious heft to it. Olga could easily serve as a murder weapon in a kinky version of Clue: Mrs. Peacock, in the dining room, with the dildo.

Provided you don't affix it to a chain and wear it about your neck, Olga offers staggeringly wealthy San Franciscans the opportunity to — at last — indulge in inconspicuous conspicuous consumption. This dildo goes for $3,490, enough cash to account for a month's rent for a one-bedroom pad in the Mission.

The 24-karat dildo is just one of a quartet of gold-plated sex toys now under lock and key — and insured, you better believe — at Good Vibrations' new Kearny Street location. Crafted by the Swedish company LELO, all four devices come with names sexier to the Scandinavian ear and prices befitting black-market kidneys.

There's Yva, the external vibrator ($3,900); Inez, "the most exclusive vibrator ever created" ($15,000); and Earl, "the most distinguished gentleman's plug in the world" ($2,590). "Earl" is a name more at home embroidered over the left pocket of a bowling shirt than affixed to a "gentleman's plug." Conversely, if you're going to name your "gentleman's plug" Earl, you might as well just go ahead and call it what it is: a butt plug.

Regardless, it's coated in 24-karat gold and could pass as an objet d'art: Earl resembles a shoehorn affixed to Sauron's ring. Charmingly, Earl also comes with a pair of gold cufflinks resembling tiny versions of the butt plug; each one is about the right size to accommodate the backside of a Ken doll.

All told, Good Vibes' Kearny location features a shade under $25,000 (162,204 Swedish Krona) worth of sex toys in a case the size of a hamster ball. Asked if anyone has purchased any of the LELO devices, Good Vibrations' visual merchandise director Mike Korcek replies that a man expressed interest in taking home Earl from the Palo Alto outlet. But no one has yet taken the 24-karat plunge.

In truth, a display of the world's costliest sex toys serves much the same purpose as, say, an exhibition of the world's largest sex toys: elephantine vibrators resembling pneumatic drills or dildos floated down the Columbia River by entire families of lumberjacks.

"It's a draw," concedes Korcek. "They're like museum pieces. Like Fabergé eggs."

Fabergé eggs, however, are far costlier. And suitable for external appreciation only.

Go to sfweekly.com/slideshows for photos of the most expensive things you can put into your body for strictly recreational purposes.

About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Bio:
Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.

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Slideshows

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  • Bay to Breakers 2015 - NSFW
    The 103rd annual Bay to Breakers 12K race was packed on Sunday despite the cold weather. With a starting point a few blocks from The Embarcadero, people dressed as bananas, Elvis and everything in between ran west through the city and finished at the Great Highway where breakers crash onto Ocean Beach.

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