Part of an Unbalanced Breakfast: One Million Terrifying Moms

Last year, Cheerios debuted a groundbreaking ad: It featured a mixed-race family. Yes, in 2013 it was considered "groundbreaking" to show a white woman and a black man and their mixed-race child. As expected, hordes of racist assholes with iPads took to Twitter and YouTube to spout their disgust. So what did Cheerios do? It unveiled a second commercial of the same family during the Super Bowl, only this time Mommy's pregnant again and Daddy is telling the daughter, Gracie, that she's going to be a sister. General Mills one-upped the Klan by alluding to the fact that the interracial couple were not only married, but actually having sex with each other. Between that and the Coca-Cola ad that dared to show people singing "America The Beautiful" in other languages, arch-conservatives had to have been choking on their seven-layer dip and hot wings all afternoon.

I love to follow this crap, and there's no better place to find out what is incensing the Ladies' Decency Society types than the website for One Million Moms, an offshoot of the American Family Association. These gals drag themselves through hours of filth on TV so that they can report back to their members and then start letter-writing campaigns to get shows to dump their sponsors. Their latest attack is on 2 Broke Girls, for its depictions of the following (sic ahead): "Having sex in a dumpster; Discussions of manscaping and private body parts; M*sterbating; Mistaking a dust buster for a v*brator; and the Made-up Charity — 'Org*sms for Old People."

Where to start with this gold mine? (And what are those words they asterisked? I can't quite make them out.)

The ability of fellow nutcases to connect with one another on the Internet has given them some false sense that anyone actually gives a shit what they think. The same goes for the "Boycott Coke" crowd: All you need is 100 bigots on Twitter and you have yourself a national story. Strangely, companies get more attention when their ads are "banned" or deemed inappropriate. When the NFL rejected a gun commercial for Daniel Defense, the ad went viral, with both sides of the gun issue chiming in and sharing it with one another. Far more people saw the ad than ever would have actually seen it during Monday Night Football.

What's really fascinating is how much zeal the Million Moms have for their work. It's like that line from Animal House, when the dean busts the guys for having porn, telling them, "I sat through every disgusting frame... twice." The Moms methodically lay out every single conceivable offense, like a closeted gay preacher constantly ranting about the sinful and vile nature of hot man-on-man action. These chicks are sickos.

If you question 1MM's level of depravity, consider their war on Geico. "Maxwell the Geico pig goes on a date in Geico's new piggy commercial," they write. "The pig and a young female are in a parked car on lover's lane. The car is actually broken down, but while sitting there the girl appears to be turned on by the pig. She hints that she wants to make out. She is disappointed when she learns the tow truck is on the way and they won't be able to 'pass the time.'" One Million Moms was disgusted that Geico would take "the act of bestiality" so lightly. But only the mind of a total perv would actually jump to visions of a pig being blown in the front seat of a car.

For an org that abhors genitalia, members sure have some big balls. 1MM claims to have single-handedly gotten the shows Save Me, The New Normal, Camp, 666 Park Avenue, and Don't Trust the B---- In Apt 23 canceled through their activism.

The Moms are so ridiculous, in fact, that one has to wonder if it's all some glorious parody site. It's not, but it's a fantastic example of Poe's Law, the idea that it's hard to differentiate between genuine kooky extremism and fake kooky extremism. Remember the first time you read Conservapedia's entry for "kangaroo?" "Modern kangaroos are the descendants of the two founding members of the modern kangaroo baramin ["created kinds" as opposed to evolved critters] that were taken aboard Noah's Ark prior to the Great Flood."

I'd like to thank 1MM, though, for pointing me to all the prurient fare on the tube. It saves me time.

 
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