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My First Porno: Or, How I Learned to Stop Trusting "Loveline"

In the winter of 2009, I sat in my tiny bedroom in the Inner Richmond — a glorified laundry room with a linoleum floor and a futon mattress in the corner. I stared at my laptop screen. On it flashed the model application for The Crash Pad Series, an independent queer porn site based out of San Francisco. I recognized many of the models on the site — some from porn, most from dance parties in the Mission. The site was bright and friendly looking: soft lines with pink and white letters. Everyone looked like they were having such a good time — queers of all shapes and sizes having intimate, silly, and sometimes filthy sex while a voyeuristic camera captured it all.

I had discovered the site long before I moved to the Bay Area. It served as a beacon of hope as to what the sex-positive San Francisco dream could look like. I knew from an early age that I was different from my peers. I was fascinated by sexuality; I also liked girls, boys, and (especially) people who landed somewhere in the middle.

Starved for information, as a teenager I spent many nights huddled next to the radio, listening to the sex advice call-in show, Loveline, at the lowest volume possible (parents). Though the hosts were often jerks, it had been my first window into the world of sexuality and served as a crude source of sex education. So at the end of my senior year of college, when I began to consider the possibility of doing porn, I turned to Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla for advice. I honestly didn't know whom else I could ask.

Isabel Dresler/isabeldreslerphotography.com

I got on the air and told them my story: I was a queer college coed thinking of doing porn for the first time; should I go for it? The hosts first asked if I had been molested as a child. I told them I had not, but they didn't believe me. They asked why I was considering it, and I told them I was interested in sexual performance, and that I wanted to participate in the revolution of documenting real queers having real sex!

They didn't get it. They insisted my life would be ruined and I'd never be able to get a job again. Even though a part of me knew that this could be a possibility, getting a resounding "no" from them only sparked my rebellious spirit and fueled my curiosity about having sex on camera.

Less than a year later, I was finally taking the plunge. I typed in "Siouxsie Q" for my stage name on the Crash Pad site and uploaded some pictures of myself posing naked at Sutro Heights Park. I rolled the new name around in my mouth. I liked the wholesome way it sounded, and that it rhymed with "floozy." I clicked the pink "Submit" button at the bottom of the online application form and crossed my fingers.

A month later, I woke up to an e-mail confirming that I would be performing in my very first porn scene. I borrowed my roommate's car for the big day. I was still iffy on all the nuances of parking in San Francisco, so I said a little prayer as I abandoned the gold Subaru on a steep foggy street in Bernal Heights.

My stomach was in knots as I knocked on the door of the charming Victorian house that served as the famed "Crash Pad." The Crash Pad is different from mainstream porn sites. On many sites, performers' pay is often based on their gender and the sexual acts they are willing to do on camera. At the Crash Pad, every performer is paid the same rate and is encouraged to do whatever sex acts they negotiate with their scene partner. The set is always fully stocked with condoms, lube, and gloves. Performers are welcome, but not required, to use them during the scene.

I was signing paperwork when my co-star arrived. I had been casually dating Puck Goodfellow for months, so we already had a natural chemistry with each other that put me completely at ease.

Two hours later, I stepped back onto the sunny sidewalk of Bernal Heights and gazed out over the city where the fog was just beginning to simmer off the bay. I was sure that the sunny day and the lack of a parking ticket on my roommate's car was a sign I was doing the right thing.

Thank goodness I didn't listen to those jerks from Loveline.

 
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12 comments
FleshGordon
FleshGordon

Dr. Drew and his circus clowns are to healthy, mature views of sexuality what Arizona is to surfing. I'm glad you enjoyed your experience with The Crash Pad. The porn industry needs a lot more of that, and a lot less of the frat-boy producers getting rich off of treating talent like product.

Heatherly
Heatherly

Yeah! Here's to creating a society that can celebrate sex without oppressing people! I'm so glad you followed your heart and didn't listen to Loveline, and want you to know that for every misinformed comment on this site, there are 100 people on facebook giving you the thumbs up. 

pennysurfers
pennysurfers

Way to make the article a vindictive piece against Loveline. Lame.

JadesAddiction
JadesAddiction

Love Siouxie! She's been in the industry for a few years now and is such a positive and educational voice in the sex positive community. I highly suggest listening to her podcast: Whorecast. I've learned a lot from her and I'm glad there are women like her doing good and helping make the sex industry safe.

Esperanza Fernando
Esperanza Fernando

along with the men that promote this.. i don't care how damn horny you are.. i don't want to know.. and and for someone to sell their body?? go what you want. in the end.. get some damn therapy.. we all need it.. i know i do.. i'm just glad that, regardless of what i went through, i didn't sell myself. you have your beliefs.. i guess you can take advantage of those perverts when they can't get it here in the US flee to other countries where they sell innocent children.. why not support them right??? support those men and women.. just bc you were a closet queer.. how disgusting, but you can still go to heaven.. ;)

Marilyn Hommes
Marilyn Hommes

No - San Francisco is the hub of trafficking; they are looking sadly looking for people like you. I know people this has happened to. My advise is not to do it.

Paul Varga
Paul Varga

No matter whom you get advice from, the final decision is always yours. If you do what your friends suggest, don't even THINK about blaming them if things don't turn out the way YOU wanted them to. People make suggestions. Take them for what they are and take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your own life.

6theagle
6theagle

Stupid thoughts. Dont be confused by your anger, you are not helping anyone. You are a misguided idiot who would rather judge, than learn and that is what therapy does for you, it doesn't close your mind. It opens it. Obviously, you don't want to read it. DONT. 

 
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