Email Author Harmon Leon

2005 Stories by Harmon Leon

• Moonbat Is on the Air

  published December 28, 2005

  You have to listen for the love on those right-wing talk radio shows where the hosts end up screaming at their invited guests like an angry child... More >>

• Hate Mail Mon Amour

  published December 14, 2005

  Having placed in my mouth a sufficient amount of a meatball Hot Pocket for three minutes' chewing, I withdrew my powers of sensual perception and... More >>

• The Ex Games

  published November 30, 2005

  Before I tell you how I tracked down all my ex-girlfriends of the past three years -- randomly and unexpectedly calling them up in order to... More >>

• The Manly Men of God

  published November 16, 2005

  The first thing one notices when walking toward HP Pavilion in San Jose is males -- nothing but big groups of men. Not sissy-boy men, but manly... More >>

• Hire Me!

  published October 26, 2005

  My goal: to see if I can be hired for a job using a fake résumé. Also to steal pens during each interview! Preparation: 1 stack... More >>

• What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand!

  published September 28, 2005

  They solved it. Problem solved. The way to stop teen pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is for teens simply not to have... More >>

• Send in the Clones

  published September 14, 2005

  The Koreans are kicking our ass. That's right, we are no longer No. 1 when it comes to pet cloning. South Korea has just cloned the world's first... More >>

• Headbanging for Jesus!

  published August 31, 2005

  It's always been a dream of mine to get booked on a Christian talk show posing as a guy who fronts a Christian speed-metal band. Thank Jesus -- my... More >>

• My Evening With Amber Frey

  published August 17, 2005

  Oh my God! She's coming! She's really coming for an entire evening. An evening with Amber Frey!! Didn't you hear me for Christ's sake? It's AN... More >>

• World Recruiting Championships: Scientology Versus Crunch Gym

  published August 3, 2005

  Pop quiz hotshot: Which has more assertive membership tactics, Crunch Gym or the Church of Scientology? Hmmm, I wonder. So I put Crunch against... More >>

• Aliens Beware!

  published July 20, 2005

  I've seen the summer blockbuster and Tom Cruise vehicle War of the Worlds. Let me tell ya, space aliens are out there, ready to swoop down... More >>

• A Huntin' and a Fishin' -- a Memoir!

  published July 6, 2005

  I'm blocked. Blocked up. My well has runneth dry. I'm flat out of ideas for my column. What is an Infiltrator to do?! Should I go undercover and... More >>

• The Minuteman's 15 Minutes of Fame (Minute 14.5)

  published June 22, 2005

  In front of a flapping American flag, screaming into the microphone, a hard-ass fireman from Southern California is angry. No, let's say he's... More >>

• Bullshitting the Lie Detector

  published May 25, 2005

  This ad appears on Craigslist: Has your parole officer accused you of doing something you haven't done? Could this put you back in jail?... More >>

• Save the Cute Animals!

  published April 27, 2005

  A good argument in support of vegetarians, vegans, and animal rights protest groups is: How come it's OK to kill and eat an animal, but it's not... More >>

• Nudespotting

  published April 13, 2005

  Beneath our clothes, we are all nude. Each citizen encountered is, deep down, a potential nude person to be viewed. I'm not kidding! With... More >>

• German Heat!

  published March 30, 2005

  In Hollywood, it's all about HEAT! Generating an industry buzz in turn creates HEAT, and most important, HYPE. Even for fake German comedians.... More >>

• Getting Rich the American Way -- Quick

  published March 16, 2005

  Wow, the cockroaches really came out from under the refrigerator with that last story ("My Dinner at Applebee's With White Supremacists!," Feb.... More >>

• Welcome to the Valley

  published February 16, 2005

  Editor's note: The following story is rated PG-13 for language and sexual content. Those under 18 must read this while accompanied by a... More >>

• Angry Talk Radio Callers -- Unite!

  published February 2, 2005

  I'm intrigued. I must infiltrate. The ultraconservative civilian think tank known as the Patriot Defenders Network sponsors meetings every month... More >>

• Imposter Impersonator

  published January 5, 2005

  I'm being screamed at by an angry Joan Rivers impersonator. "This is not Halloween!" she says, so angrily and with so much scorn that she's... More >>