rss Email Author Harmon Leon

2005 Stories by Harmon Leon

Archives: 2006 | 2005 | 2004
  • Moonbat Is on the Air

    published December 28, 2005

    You have to listen for the love on those right-wing talk radio shows where the hosts end up screaming at their invited guests like an angry child... More >>

  • Hate Mail Mon Amour

    published December 14, 2005

    Having placed in my mouth a sufficient amount of a meatball Hot Pocket for three minutes' chewing, I withdrew my powers of sensual perception and... More >>

  • The Ex Games

    published November 30, 2005

    Before I tell you how I tracked down all my ex-girlfriends of the past three years -- randomly and unexpectedly calling them up in order to... More >>

  • The Manly Men of God

    published November 16, 2005

    The first thing one notices when walking toward HP Pavilion in San Jose is males -- nothing but big groups of men. Not sissy-boy men, but manly... More >>

  • Hire Me!

    published October 26, 2005

    My goal: to see if I can be hired for a job using a fake résumé. Also to steal pens during each interview! Preparation: 1 stack... More >>

  • What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand!

    published September 28, 2005

    They solved it. Problem solved. The way to stop teen pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is for teens simply not to have... More >>

  • Send in the Clones

    published September 14, 2005

    The Koreans are kicking our ass. That's right, we are no longer No. 1 when it comes to pet cloning. South Korea has just cloned the world's first... More >>

  • Headbanging for Jesus!

    published August 31, 2005

    It's always been a dream of mine to get booked on a Christian talk show posing as a guy who fronts a Christian speed-metal band. Thank Jesus -- my... More >>

  • My Evening With Amber Frey

    published August 17, 2005

    Oh my God! She's coming! She's really coming for an entire evening. An evening with Amber Frey!! Didn't you hear me for Christ's sake? It's AN... More >>

  • World Recruiting Championships: Scientology Versus Crunch Gym

    published August 3, 2005

    Pop quiz hotshot: Which has more assertive membership tactics, Crunch Gym or the Church of Scientology? Hmmm, I wonder. So I put Crunch against... More >>

  • Aliens Beware!

    published July 20, 2005

    I've seen the summer blockbuster and Tom Cruise vehicle War of the Worlds. Let me tell ya, space aliens are out there, ready to swoop down... More >>

  • A Huntin' and a Fishin' -- a Memoir!

    published July 6, 2005

    I'm blocked. Blocked up. My well has runneth dry. I'm flat out of ideas for my column. What is an Infiltrator to do?! Should I go undercover and... More >>

  • The Minuteman's 15 Minutes of Fame (Minute 14.5)

    published June 22, 2005

    In front of a flapping American flag, screaming into the microphone, a hard-ass fireman from Southern California is angry. No, let's say he's... More >>

  • Bullshitting the Lie Detector

    published May 25, 2005

    This ad appears on Craigslist: Has your parole officer accused you of doing something you haven't done? Could this put you back in jail?... More >>

  • Save the Cute Animals!

    published April 27, 2005

    A good argument in support of vegetarians, vegans, and animal rights protest groups is: How come it's OK to kill and eat an animal, but it's not... More >>

  • Nudespotting

    published April 13, 2005

    Beneath our clothes, we are all nude. Each citizen encountered is, deep down, a potential nude person to be viewed. I'm not kidding! With... More >>

  • German Heat!

    published March 30, 2005

    In Hollywood, it's all about HEAT! Generating an industry buzz in turn creates HEAT, and most important, HYPE. Even for fake German comedians.... More >>

  • Getting Rich the American Way -- Quick

    published March 16, 2005

    Wow, the cockroaches really came out from under the refrigerator with that last story ("My Dinner at Applebee's With White Supremacists!," Feb.... More >>

  • Welcome to the Valley

    published February 16, 2005

    Editor's note: The following story is rated PG-13 for language and sexual content. Those under 18 must read this while accompanied by a... More >>

  • Angry Talk Radio Callers -- Unite!

    published February 2, 2005

    I'm intrigued. I must infiltrate. The ultraconservative civilian think tank known as the Patriot Defenders Network sponsors meetings every month... More >>

  • Imposter Impersonator

    published January 5, 2005

    I'm being screamed at by an angry Joan Rivers impersonator. "This is not Halloween!" she says, so angrily and with so much scorn that she's... More >>

Archives: 2006 | 2005 | 2004
©2014 SF Weekly, LP, All rights reserved.