Email Author Robert Wilonsky

2000 Stories by Robert Wilonsky

• Blow Up the Box

  published December 27, 2000

  Thank God for old Jews with shaky hands and the inability to tell this word (G-O-R-E) from this one (B-U-C-H-A-N-A-N). Without them -- and... More >>

• Twisp of the Tale

  published December 20, 2000

  Contained within a care package sent by C.D. Payne is a self-penned press release introducing the author as "the Rodney Dangerfield of comic... More >>

• Broken and Battered

  published December 13, 2000

  Fair warning: Enough time has passed that it's OK to discuss the ending of writer-director M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable. Those who have... More >>

• Mel Sells Out

  published December 13, 2000

  What Women Want could be the first movie to win a Clio Award for Advertisement of the Year. No fewer than two dozen products receive... More >>

• Bless the Blockhead

  published December 6, 2000

  Christmastime is here, but for the first time, Charlie Brown's father will not be around to watch his depressed, round-headed child celebrate the... More >>

• Call Him "Security"

  published November 22, 2000

  Unbreakable is such a quiet film that whenever a character speaks above a whisper, it sounds like the shattering of glass in a... More >>

• Ransom Notes

  published November 8, 2000

  No one likes to be seen as the roadblock to a revolution. The unfortunate soul -- or the dumb bastard -- who chooses to impede progress is likely... More >>

• What, Them Worry?

  published November 1, 2000

  Let's get this out of the way right now, because so many of you will find this hard to believe: Yes, Mad magazine still exists. It is still... More >>

• Farrah to Poor

  published November 1, 2000

  Charlie's AngelsDirected by McG. Screenplay by Ryan Rowe & Ed Solomon and John August. Starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu,... More >>

• The Man of Ink

  published October 25, 2000

  Before others could reject him, Michael Chabon had convinced himself no one wanted to read an epic novel about comic-book creators, mythical... More >>

• The Man of Many Face

  published October 18, 2000

  It has often been written of Chris Guest -- or, if you prefer, Fifth Baron Christopher Haden-Guest, son of diplomat Peter Haden-Guest, who could... More >>

• "Look! I Made This!"

  published October 11, 2000

  A cold breeze blows through an open window, and a football game silently unfolds on the television screen. The old man sitting on the couch... More >>

• The Offender

  published October 11, 2000

  There's no getting around it: The Contender is the most offensive movie of the year. It pretends to be high-minded even while it... More >>

• Rock and a Hard Place

  published October 4, 2000

  John Wesley Hall believes justice is a myth taught in classrooms, a fable found in law books, as imaginary as the unicorn and the mermaid. The... More >>

• Almost Famous

  published September 20, 2000

  At first, you don't want to admit it, because it seems somehow wrong--just too easy. After all, the woman on the other end of the phone line is... More >>

• A Fan's Notes

  published September 13, 2000

  Almost Famous is the movie Cameron Crowe always wanted to make--and the movie he tried to keep from making as long as he could. The... More >>

• Listen to the Movie

  published September 13, 2000

  This song explains why I'm leaving home and becoming a stewardess," says Anita Miller (Zooey Deschanel) to her well-meaning, overbearing mother,... More >>

• School's Out

  published September 6, 2000

  A month ago, R.J. Cutler thought he found a home for his child, one that would coddle and nurture his baby until it was ready to stand on its own... More >>

• The Bagmen Cometh

  published September 6, 2000

  This is the beginning of The Way of the Gun you will not see, because it was written but never filmed: Two men, Parker and... More >>

• Write and Wrong

  published August 30, 2000

  Success is relative in Hollywood, like a third cousin twice-removed who doesn't recognize you at family reunions, and doesn't care to. Fame is so... More >>

• The Bit Player

  published August 23, 2000

  "I'm not the celebrity type," says Vincent D'Onofrio, and he does not lie. His is a household name in very few neighborhoods; it appears in film... More >>

• Hot Wheels

  published August 16, 2000

  I have never read The Odyssey, A Tale of Two Cities, Pride and Prejudice, or, for that matter, the Bible. But I have read,... More >>

• Trouble in Mind

  published August 16, 2000

  Make no mistake: The Cell is, easily, the most unforgettable film of a pedestrian, forgettable summer. You walk out of the theater grateful for... More >>

• Born Again?

  published August 9, 2000

  "Please hold for Tammy Faye." The few seconds between those words and those that follow, uttered by the woman who once haunted pay-to-pray TV... More >>

• The Talking Penis

  published August 2, 2000

  I am Vlad the Impaler, Joe Eszterhas' penis. You know Joe, right? Bigfoot-looking son of a bitch, like Jerry Garcia after he swallowed Brian... More >>