As 2015 is upon us, it's time to contemplate the future and set intentions for the coming year. My New Year's resolution is to stop wearing pants. I've never liked pants. It's been a farce the whole time. I was a successful non-pants-wearer until age 9, when I realized my favorite D.J. Tanner look of leggings worn with oversized T-shirts was no longer acceptable attire. So pants I have worn from then till now, but as of Jan. 1, I'm finally free. Leggings, tights, shorts, and even jeggings are still on the table, but anything that actually counts as pants is out for 2015. But enough about me, let's talk about you.
In a pushy Free Will Astrology-style move, I've made your New Year's resolutions for you this year. You're welcome.
Fuck like a porn star.
And by that, I mean do it responsibly. The next time you go on a Tinder/Grindr/3nder/Blendr bender, pretend you're Jessica Drake or James Deen. Before you do filthy, depraved things in the bedroom with your hookup, be sure both of you have been tested for HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis within the past 14 days, and negotiate barriers and sex acts before you dive in.
Like seriously, let's just not do that anymore. Look, I know girls are pretty. Every day, I see babes on the street with nice butts, and sure, I'd like to tell them how nice their butts are. But as a lady, I realize most of us have PTSD about walking on sidewalks, because every time we do, somebody has something to say about our bodies. And if we don't respond positively or at all, sometimes we face threats, harassment, and violence. So please, this year just leave the women of San Francisco, and beyond, alone.
Know your roots.
So, you just moved to San Francisco and you want to experience all the crazy sex culture the city has to offer. Before you start trolling around FetLife and nosing around for swingers' parties, do a little research. San Francisco is more than just a hip city with a thriving nightlife: It's the capital city of the sexual revolution. Know that you stand on the shoulders of queer, kinky, leather-clad giants, and before you dive into your own adventures, say a little prayer for all those who have come, and come, and come before you.
Be nice to sluts and whores.
We should all know by now that hooker jokes are way passé and slut-shaming is wrong, but when tempers flare, a slut-shamey slur can occasionally pop out of one's mouth. So the next time you need to say something mean about someone, don't say slut or whore; say he or she is a douchebag instead. Because whores cause orgasms, and douchebags cause yeast infections. It's a far better insult.
Pay for it.
I'm not necessarily saying that everyone in San Francisco should hire an escort in the coming year (though I'm not necessarily not saying that, either). What I am definitely saying is that I want you all to strive to be more conscious of when you are consuming labor, and to be sure you compensate people appropriately for it. For example: Did you spend all morning running your espresso-fueled mouth at a cute barista? Then be sure you leave that cute barista some dead presidents in the tip jar on your way to the bathroom.
Also: Pay for movies, music, and especially porn. You like to watch, listen, and jerk off to stuff, right? Make sure the people who make things you watch, listen, and jerk off to can keep doing so, by paying them.
I don't just mean giving as much oral sex as you get. I mean that we live in a magical city that allows us to dream big when it comes to sex. Give back to the organizations and people who have made San Fransexuality possible, and make a donation to the Center for Sex and Culture, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, or the Saint James Infirmary.
Stop wearing pants.
If we all band together, we can free ourselves from the tyranny of pants forever. Who's with me?