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Classic Simpsons Trivia Returns to Cafe Du Nord — With a Simpsons Menu!

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Ted Cruz, the Moe Szyslak of the United States Senate, tried to land a blow at CPAC today by calling the Democrats the “party of Lisa Simpson.” He must have been exchanging long protein strands with some alt-right cretins, because that doesn’t make sense. Granted, Lisa is a vegetarian with a social conscience, but any fan of the show should know that trying to slam your enemies by calling them the smart, nice one is more of a compliment than anything else.

Whatever, Ted Cruz, nobody in the Senate even likes you enough to decorate your dad’s car with seashells. Besides, I’m voting for Kodos.

Still, if you’ve got a hankerin’ for more spankerin’ or you want to prove yourself a more cromulent fan of The Simpsons than some detestable legislator from Capital City, you have your chance next Tuesday, Feb. 27 when Classic Simpsons Trivia returns to Cafe du Nord, which will be transformed into Uncle Mo’s Family Feedbag. It’s free to attend, and there are prizes, which may or may not include tickets to a Lurleen Lumpkin show at Swedish-American Hall and VHS copies of Here Comes the Metric System! (It’s also “classic” in the sense that all the questions are about 1990s-era Simpsons, long before they started having a celebrity guest play themselves every single week.)

Better still, there’s a Simpsons menu with such bites as a Flanders Five-Alarm Chili (which is only two alarms, “two-and-a-half tops”), Fleet-a-Pitas (“Here, try a Ben Franklin”), Tomacco Caprese, Spaghetti and Moeballs, and Krusty Burgers served by a pimply teen on an oil rig. You don’t win friends with salad.

Unkie Moe probably won’t come out with fries on his head even if your sodie is too cold, but there will be a Flaming Moe cocktail (which probably doesn’t not contain ordinary children’s cough syrup, although it tastes like burning). As an ode to Barney’s conceptual-artist girlfriend, there’s also going to be a “Single Plum Floating in Perfume Not Served in a Man’s Hat.” It’s have you burping “Number eight, number eight, number eight…” all night!

Having gotten my butt kicked by a dude in an actual Stonecutter costume when I tried to compete in one of these, I will say it’s only for the true Databases, E-mails, and various other brainiac Superfriends. So you better brush up on your useless Simpsons trivia knowledge by bingeing on all the Treehouse of Horror episodes. Isn’t that just mindless busywork? Bingo; get cracking. Winging it is a risky strategy, because as Homer’s spirit animal — voiced by Johnny Cash — once said, “I’m just your memory. I can’t give you any new information.”
Classic Simpsons Trivia, Tuesday, Feb. 27, 6-9 p.m., at Cafe du Nord, 2174 Market St. Free; invite.
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Peter Lawrence Kane @wannacyber

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