Game of Thrones Awards: “The Night Lands”

Tyrion Lannister is a badass motherfucker.

Welcome to the Game of Thrones, where kings clash for cash and prizes.

Episode two, “The Night Lands,” is all boobs, thinly veiled threats, and more boobs as kings both self-appointed and legit try to gain their footing in the war for the iron throne of Westeros. In order to dubiously honor the lords, ladies, bastards, and perverts, among others, running amok in the Seven Kingdoms, I would like to present the following awards, which will be delivered either via raven or Hodor the stableboy, since he definitely won't give away any surprises.

And the awards go to…

Ned Stark Memorial Award for Noble Cluelessness: Stannis Baratheon

Stannis is calling himself the Lord of Light and teaming up with a pirate whose goal in life is to fuck Queen Cersei: “The one true god is what's between a woman's legs,” the pirate says. Considering he's not the queen's twin brother, though, he might have a hard time, uh, finding that particular god. Melisandre's true motives are also revealed — she wants to be Stannis' queen and vows to give him a son. The good news: Uptight Stannis enjoys sex for what might have been the first time ever.

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