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Magic Under the Christmas Tree: Toe-Curling Joy to the World - By - December 2, 2014 - SF Weekly
SF Weekly

Magic Under the Christmas Tree: Toe-Curling Joy to the World

Some say that sexy and Christmas just don't go together, but I disagree. I legitimately find sexy Mrs. Claus outfits arousing, and during December, I unironically listen to “Santa Baby.”

With all the exhausting social and familial obligations that accompany the holiday season, I find it's necessary to squeeze in a little naughty holiday cheer in the form of a filthy evening spent under the tree with a special gift that would simply be inappropriate for Christmas morning.

There are fewer than 25 shopping days before Christmas, so it's time to start nailing down what your XXXmas gift to yourself or your partner will be. We are fortunate to live in a post-Betty Dodson universe where there are hundreds of sex toys to choose from and vibrators are commonplace in the bedroom.

But in the 19th century, females were believed not to have any sex drive at all. Victorian women sought treatment for hysteria, a condition that caused symptoms such as restlessness, anxiety, irritability, and wetness between the legs.

Fortunately, a doctor could easily treat this condition by applying vegetable oil to the female patient's genitals and manually stimulating the vaginal canal and the clitoris until a clinical paroxysm (not an orgasm, mind you, women were still believed to be incapable of this act) was induced and the patient received acute and immediate relief from the hysterical symptoms.

When men give hand jobs for a living, they're called doctors, but when women do it, they're called whores.

But doctors who treated hysteria soon began to complain of muscle strain and cramped fingers. Too many hand jobs in one day can take quite the toll on one's body — I know from experience. Necessity being the mother of invention, the vibrator was born. Electricity was still new, but people had priorities.

The electric vibrator came before the electric vacuum, and as home electronics grew in popularity, women were no longer beholden to their creepy doctors to curb anxiety and wetness between the legs. Anyone with a Sears and Roebuck catalog could buy their own personal electric cure for hysteria.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is a direct descendent of these turn-of-the-19th-century models. I truly cannot stress enough how critical it is that every single American own one of these. It has been helping people achieve galactic heights of pleasure since 1968.

Originally marketed as a personal massager to aid with sports injuries and tense muscles, the wand lacks the aesthetic allure of modern vibrators. There's no bright colors or animal-shaped ears tickling the clitoris. The Magic Wand looks like it could actually be a humble back massager: It has two settings, isn't waterproof, and plugs into the wall with a 6-foot cord.

But in the 1970s, sex educator and artist Dodson let the world in on Hitachi's big, buzzing secret: The Magic Wand was a revolutionary tool for achieving life-altering orgasms and so much more. The Magic Wand seems to make every single sexual act more pleasurable. It can be useful during vaginal and anal sex — I've even used it for BDSM activities like impact play.

Though it may look clinical and clunky to the untrained eye, it is actually one of the most powerful and best-selling sex toys, with a quarter-million devices sold in 2014 alone.

The traditional Japanese engineers over at Hitachi never intended to make the world's most beloved sex toy, and, in fact, they're more than a little perturbed by it. In 2013, we almost lost the Cadillac of vibrators, as Hitachi no longer wanted to be associated with it. Luckily, its American distributor, Vibratex, managed to reach a deal with the Japanese company and rebranded the product to omit any mention of the Hitachi name and only be known as “The Original Magic Wand.”

But the original name has stuck, and now the company is synonymous with the device. I'm sure I'm not alone when I giggle to myself whenever I see a drill or a television labeled “Hitachi.”

So this holiday season, don't let yourself get overwhelmed by the endless options of candy-colored silicone sex toys, and don't spend an arm and a leg on over-the-top fetish gear. If you buy one sexy gift this season, make it a classic — a gift as traditional and old-fashioned as a hot toddy on Christmas Eve: the Hitachi Magic Wand.