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My Sex Toys, Ranked - March 1, 2018 - SF Weekly
SF Weekly

My Sex Toys, Ranked

There’s nothing like moving to bring out the nostalgia of all the sex toys tucked away in your closet. And there’s nothing better to justify the move than when your mom finds a bunch of them while helping you pack and asks in earnest what they’re used for. Although I had already warned Mother that my room was — like me, at times — filled to the brim with dildos, she managed to display some of my more obscure pleasure items and display them with a greater amount of naivete than someone who grew up in San Francisco in the 1960s should have.

I, of course, gathered my shameful sex secrets into a bundle, which got me wistfully picking through them and recalling the fond moments of times when they penetrated or pleasured me. After all, I do have to decide which ones I’ll be taking and which will be retired permanently. It’s hard, because if you take the Marie Kondo tack and hold each one asking if it still brings you joy, you might never throw anything away.

Here is a glimpse of my collection, and what they mean to me, in order of importance:

LELO Smartwand

For me, adulthood became official when I had a steady enough paycheck to add a high-end LELO vibrator to my self-pleasure collection. It’s not the baffling $15,000 gold one LELO sells, but this intimate massager is noticeably superior to my other vibrators. I masturbate a hell of a lot, so it was a wonderful investment, one I would still justify making even as a poor writer with a very unsteady paycheck (but that’s mostly because I spend more time masturbating than writing).

The Leopard-Print Vibrator

A 16-year-old is still young enough to have a family-and-friends birthday party, and that was the last time I allowed that mixture to happen. My teenage friends presented me with a shiny new leopard-print vibrator — just your standard D-battery-powered thing — by placing it at the top of the chocolate fountain my parents had rented for my special day. I’m sure my dad wasn’t pleased, but I was certainly thanking my friends when I discovered what kind of crazy orgasms that thing could provide (the vibrator, not the chocolate fountain). It set me on a path of sexual exploration that is still ongoing, and even though I have other vibes now, it’ll always hold a special place in my vagina.

Nipple Clamps

OK, why don’t more people use these? Have I just been out of the BDSM scene too long? My nips aren’t super-sensitive, but the clamps change that right quick, enhancing whatever other sensations I’m experiencing. A highly underrated toy, if you ask me.

My Butt-Plug Collection

Most people have a butt-plug collection, right? I have too many to call out individually, but these plugs got me on the path of being a buttsex fiend. Oddly I can’t seem to find the first toy I trained with — a strand of anal beads that increase in size — but I’ll never forget how they got me to open up. The remote vibrating plug, which I would wear in public at the request of whoever was fucking me at the time, has made it so I’ll never forget certain bars and restaurants in San Francisco. I still love my wolf tail, but have found incredibly few opportunities to wear it.

The Smackaroonis

Back when I was a proud member of the local BDSM scene, I went a little overboard with my enthusiasm for hitting implements. I bought crops, whips, paddles, leather cat-o’-nine-tails — the whole shebang. Eventually, I learned I’m not the submissive little masochist I thought I was, but since I’ve been feeling very domme-y of late, I’m hoping to cycle these babies back into the lineup.

Partner Toy

This is a horseshoe-shaped vibrator. The thicker half goes in the puss, and the vibrating half rests on top of the clit. It’s usable alone, or, as the name suggests, with a partner who gets in there alongside it. It’s perfect to use with men who aren’t so well-endowed, because the powerful vibration is excuse enough to pop it in without embarrassing them. But it’s also great with big-dicked guys because then it’s just like an even bigger dick in there.

The Too Big Butt Toy

I’m happy to announce that my ass is back in business after several years out of service. Before having to treat my butt with the care and tenderness now required, I was putting things like the Too Big Butt Toy in it. This was because I was having sex (anal only) with this dude who has the biggest, thickest cock I’ve ever seen, porn included. He took me shopping to get the right training product that would grant him access, and now I’m left with this comically large rubber ass dildo.