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Queer Cosmo: Sex Quizzes for the Perverse - By - August 5, 2014 - SF Weekly
SF Weekly

Queer Cosmo: Sex Quizzes for the Perverse

I have many guilty pleasures: Jack In The Box, Target shopping sprees, and casting-couch porn, to name a few. But perhaps my most shameful is reading trashy women's magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.

Sex tips, fashion photo spreads, embarrassing moments, true life confessions, horoscopes, advice columns and even quizzes — what's not to love? My bi-curious horny teenage self was frothing at the mouth for these candy-colored magazines that held secrets of sex and pictures of girls in bikinis. These magazines also served as DIY sex education. I was lucky enough to have had the very basics of avoiding pregnancy covered in my high school health class, but all my other sex education came from agonizingly slow-to-download '90s internet porn and these inane women's magazines.

I always prayed that one day, there would be an article in one of these rags that actually spoke to the questions I had about sex. So this week, that's what we're doing.

Six Ways to Tell if Your BFF Wants to Be Your GF

1. She always ends up missing the last BART train and needs to sleep over.

2. She makes you a mix tape with at least one Ani DiFranco song on it.

3. The two of you share a dressing room when you go shopping.

4. When you're at a party and a guy she's not interested in starts dancing with her, she grabs you and says, “Sorry, we're gay.”

5. Her favorite characters on Orange is the New Black are Taystee and Poussey.

6. She calls you her “sister wife.” (P.S. This also means she wants to have a threesome. Score!)

The Super Hero Sex Toy

Think you can only cum while lying on your back and thinking about Christian Bale? Think again. The Hitachi Magic Wand is really all you need to turn any mild mannered person into a super human sex alien capable of incredible feats of strength and orgasmic power. It looks like a geriatric back massager — beige and clinical. But it packs a power that feels like it can save the world. Stop buying other sex toys. This is actually the only one you will ever use.

$59.99, HitachiMagic.com

The Fisting Manicure

Sure, finger banging is awesome, but it's only the tip of the iceberg in terms of having sex with your hands. With enough lube and the right vibrator, you can fuck somebody with your fist. It's not just for gay leather men and butch babes; femmes with fabulous manicures are definitely invited to the fisting party. But please keep in mind a few safety precautions:

Safety first. Style second. Make sure your nails are clean and looking fierce. Don't let androgynous folks shame you for your stripper nails! A fist of square-tipped acrylic nails fucks just as well as natural short nails. But do avoid styles that are too pointy.

No hangnails! They can cause abrasions.

3-D Tokyo Junk style nails are a no-no.

And always remember: There's no rush. Fisting takes tons of time, lube, and patience.

Quiz: What's Your Whore-ientation?

Should you ever decide to try your hand at the sex industry, where should you start? This quiz will help you decide.

1. What is your ideal Friday night?

A. Twerking at a club.

B. Getting weird at a dungeon.

C. On a date with someone new.

D. Tweeting and masturbating.

2. What item can you not live without?

A. Cute shoes.

B. Good leather.

C. Your phone.

D. A Hitachi Magic Wand.

3. Who is your hero?

A. Gypsy Rose Lee.

B. Bettie Page.

C. Maya Angelou.

D. Annie Sprinkle.

If you picked:

Mostly As: You'd be an awesome stripper. Dancing on stage in cute shoes is what you were born to do.

Mostly Bs: The world is waiting for you to transform into an inspired dominatrix. Latex dresses and leather chaps were made for asses like yours.

Mostly Cs: You have the soul of a poet and a knack for connecting with people — you'd make an excellent escort.

Mostly Ds: As a tech savvy exhibitionist with an insatiable sex drive, you will shine as a cam girl or porn star.

Picked one of everything? Then try them all! A career as a jack-off of all trades is your destiny.