A List of the Animals I’ve Jerked Off (For Science)

And they're not all mammals, either!

Every time I go out, I play a fun game where I see how long it takes me to mention to a stranger that I’ve jerked off a dolphin.

The topic has to come about organically, of course, which is what makes it so exciting. The responses I get are surprisingly similar: Most people immediately want to know how big a dolphin’s dick is. It’s as if my answer would somehow affect whether or not they’d leave the bar right then and there to go fuck one. I sort of get it — dolphins are very intelligent, athletic, and apparently upbeat. That’s about as great as a Tinder profile can read; a big dick would just seal the deal.

Once we get past the thorough description of porpoise junk, the next question is, “What else have you jerked off?” So for everyone I might potentially run into at a bar, here is your list of answers:

Human
I always include this because I get nervous that people might think I’ve ever stimulated an animal for my (or their) pleasure — and adding humans to the list reminds them that I’m normal. (I swear.) Also, a human was the first animal I ever jerked off, and I even ended up marrying the man attached to the penis. It was a typical high school-era, first-time-for-both-of-us encounter, and it has happened many times since then, but I can’t say that I became so enthusiastic for it that it led me down a path of handjobbing anything I could find.

Sea urchin
As a budding pre-veterinary animal scientist in college, we were exposed to a whole litany of species — and they, in turn, were exposed to us. During a marine-biology lab, we were tasked with collecting semen from a sea urchin, and though my imagination was far more captivated by the geoducks, I got the little spiky guy to come by vigorously tickling his non-spiky parts. And what a load! Either the semen production for these guys is vastly out of proportion to their size, or I’m excellent at giving undersea handjobs. Somebody alert the sea cucumbers.

Dolphin
The dolphin is obviously a crowd-pleaser, because without the correct context it sounds like I was vacationing in Belize and reached out to pleasure Flipper as he dove through the turquoise waters. The truth is I was on a team of consultants working with captive cetaceans at a California amusement park to help enrich their lives, so up-close access to the animals was a given. Breeding programs were alive and well at the time, so semen collection was par for the course, and you bet I assisted in that. (I got a kiss out of it, too). For those wondering, their dicks are proportional — maybe a foot long — and super pointy.

Orca
The most interesting revelation about sharing this story is the shock people express when hearing it. Not because it’s about an orca, mind you, but because the orca in question was female. Why is it such a surprise that ladies across species like to feel as good as their male counterparts? This orca was the target animal in our “make captivity less terrible” consultancy program, and my professional advice was to give her more stuff with which to masturbate. (This was rejected.) She already had a big red ball she would rub herself on, and she and the aforementioned dolphin would regularly get it on by moving his tail flukes into her vagina, since his dick was too small for her. (She was a size queen, obv. And I guess that makes me and her Eskimo sisters, in a way.) In any case, while I never manually jerked her off, I did advocate strongly for her ability to do so herself, and that’s good enough for me.

Horse
When you apply to be a student of the animal sciences at an agricultural school, what they fail to mention is that 90 percent of the focus is around husbandry, or breeding. Helping a horse get his nut was just part of the standard program, even showcased to children during the annual open house. But these were no carnival ponies. Stallions are intact male horses, and all that testosterone makes them pretty scary animals, so shoving a fleshlight onto their giant dicks while they fuck it raw is an intense feat of strength not to be performed by the meek. Families with children of all ages are welcome to view this wondrous occasion during Picnic Day, the school’s annual open house-slash-homage to alcohol poisoning.

Dog
I fundamentally disagree with the practice of dog breeding. There are millions of canines in shelters that are killed every time a puppy is born, making the preference for a particular breed nothing more than a selfish, superficial decision that promotes inbreeding and genetic illness. However, this didn’t stop me while I was interning at a seeing-eye-dog campus, where they breed their own dogs — none of which will ever enter a shelter, replacing potential companions. They also keep detailed genetic records to avoid inbreeding, so I had no moral qualms in — you guessed it — jerking off a dog to get that sweet guide-dog semen. Dogs, like human men, don’t need much provocation when there’s a bitch in heat nearby, so this little guy burst almost immediately. It was collected in a test tube, which is hard to coordinate when they’re frantically humping the air, but ultimately, it was safely secured for later use in artificial insemination (A.I.).

Cow
The A.I. experience I got with dogs was great and all, but I was really disappointed that I didn’t get to fist anything in the process. That motivated me to take a week-long course to learn how to artificially inseminate cows (or any other bovine, really). It took place over spring break, so you might say I’m a lot of fun. While not stimulating the cows in any kind of sexual or pleasurable way, I did spend at least four days shoulder-deep up their assholes, groping at their cervixes, with straws full of bull semen at the ready. It was uncomfortable for everyone involved, but I got to walk away with my handy Cow A.I. Certificate in hand, which I have subsequently used exactly zero times. I will admit it comes in handy as a fun fact when starting a new job, it’s the perfect way to guarantee that only the weirdest co-workers will want to be my friend.  

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