Crotch Jewelry: The Discreet Charm of the Beach-oisie

Some alternatives for a new trend that's big in Japan: bedazzling your nether-regions.

The groin area is wonderful in many ways — so wonderful, in fact, that many people have elected to enhance their private areas with decorations that range from sparkling piercings to cleverly shaped pubic-hair arrangements. Is that the San Francisco Giants logo I see? Impressive.

But this is 2017, and nothing is enough anymore. Innovation drives our species forward, right toward the brink. And goddamnit if we don’t get there looking fabulous.

This is undoubtedly the motivation for “crotch jewelry,” the latest vagina-related bedazzlement coming out of Japan (although any genital setup could flaunt this trend). What might at first glance look like a wayward tampon string peeking out from the side of a bikini bottom is in fact an intentionally placed “Sexy Charm for Bikini Crotch.” (Or so says manufacturer BoDiva, anyway.). They run about $30 apiece, but they’re currently on Amazon for less than $20, which is also their standard price on Etsy. What luck!

Designs include dangling beads of various colors hanging at the end of a length of chain, like a phone charm, which is placed through that most vaginal part of the bikini bottom. It hangs between the legs, drawing the eye down and, purportedly, impressing onlookers.

This means that ladies like me, who lack a prominent thigh gap, may be outside their target audience, so I decided to expand upon this groundbreaking “beach tail” — which is, if you’re counting along with me, a third term for something that barely needs one.

Here are some alternatives for those of us who are already looking for the next big thing in genital adornment,

Sexy Spaghetti
Are you running late for the beach and haven’t had time for your daily carbo-load? Fill your swimsuit with a whole new kind of beach noodle, the perfect snack for a girl on the go. Let the spaghetti hang effortlessly from between your legs, and watch as boys scramble up the sand to find out where that seductive marinara scent is coming from. Hint: It’s your pussy!

Web of Thighs
Crotch jewelry, as it exists today, is great and all. But it isn’t very inclusive for buyers who are totally into the idea of dangling objects from their groin, but not into the whole sparkly getup. That’s why there’s Web of Thighs, a living beach tail made up of spiders! These arachnids playfully hang from their 100-percent silk lines, occasionally creating intricate webs between your thighs, and occasionally biting any leg freckles you have that resemble bluebottle flies. That’s just nature; we can’t control that.

Truck Balls
Finally, crotch jewelry for the fellas! Here, we’re repurposing an already popular product, the admirable and always attractive Truck Balls. For some reason, baring your testicles at most public beaches will put you on the sex-offender registry, but hanging veiny, photorealistic nuts from your truck or your crotch will put you on the Cool Guy roster instead! Nothing says masculinity more than forcing people to see chrome cojones slipping outside the leg of your swim trunks. Pro tip: Affix as many of these to your beach getup as possible before their combined weight strips you of your Speedo entirely.

Tampon Strings
We’re going old-school with our innovation this time. Let’s kick it back to the O.G. dangler, topping the list of summer fears for every young teenage girl. Menstruation is nothing to be ashamed of — and thanks to society, we’re forced to plug our vaginas to keep the bleeding in check. With this nifty take on crotch jewelry, we’re casting out the unnecessary shame that’s been dealt to people with periods, and saying, “Fuck you, society! I’m bleeding and I’m proud!” Tampon Strings come in gold, silver, rainbow, and the always-classic “white with a little red on it.”

So go forth into the end of your summer with crotch-based beauty giving you crotch-based pride. There’s never been a better time to hang things from your groin with pride, watching the world try to hide what looks like embarrassment, but is actually envy. It’s definitely envy.

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