“Sweet dreams are made of this / Who am I to disagree?” — The Eurythmics
I’m definitely not going to tell you his fucking name, because I don’t want him to ever be embarrassed and stop what he’s doing, but there’s an amazing dude on YouTube who makes sleep-meditation and sleep-hypnosis videos that may be inadvertently causing great orgasms all around the world. He’s real and he’s spectacular! And I am here for him.
Soul-shaking nocturnal bliss was not at all what I was looking for when I first found him online last summer, but he turned out to come along with a very sweet surprise — a happy ending, if you will. Even after all this time together, I really don’t remember very much about what he says or how he says it, with the exception of one word: He stretches out the word “relax” until it feels like it should have a triple x on the end of it. Relaxxx.
He’s such a brilliant sleep hypnotist-slash-therapist that I honestly fall asleep instantly almost every time I hear him. (If I wanted to out him, that would be at the top of my glowing, five-star Yelp review or at least a YouTube thumbs-up, but I’ll just tell you about it instead.) There have been a few times when I don’t fall asleep right away and his voice pushes me to touch myself until I do. It’s something about the pace and tone of his voice that just sounds sexy. Sexxxy.
The first time I, um, actively participated in the sleep meditation along with him, what followed was a deep and restorative sleep I hadn’t seen in forever. We’re talking some better-than-sex sleep. And that’s what I was really, truly looking for, so I was loyal to him for a few solid months. I saw him almost daily and mostly just fell asleep a few minutes into a video without touching myself at all. No muss, no fuss — and no off days.
One day, I wondered if there might be someone even better out there for me, and whether they might even be female? I wasn’t sure — and am not intimate with women in real life — but I had an open mind about voices. I searched YouTube for “erotic sleep meditation” and listened to a few “hands-free orgasm” videos from both male and female voices, but I just thought they were all pretty silly. As it turned out, I didn’t want to actually be talked dirty to or heavy-breathed-on by the voices in these videos. None of them got me going. Only he could.
There is something far hotter in his voice, and in the accidental double entendres in his non-erotically presented videos, than in the ones specifically presented to assist climaxing — “feel free to spread out” is a pretty good one. At this point, he could just about say anything and it’d work for me. He doesn’t even have to try.
One night, I had really bad insomnia and it laughed bitchily at his dulcet tones, in aggravation. I can’t recall now what he said during that video, which was about an hour long, but I remember thinking it was pretty corny. More than anything, his power of suggestibility is the turn-on, I suppose.
One time recently, I told myself to really concentrate on what he was saying, because I think it’s really funny that I really have not retained much more than relaxxx. I can remember now that I heard him say, “Feel free to let my words come and go, just as you’d let your own thoughts come and go…”
From there, I heard, “Come and go.”
Cum and go.
That’s all I think I heard, but I woke up with a smile on my face. Is he unintentionally being erotic or does he know what he’s doing to me and to others? Reading the comments on his videos is enough to convince me that others have likely found him to be a healer in this same vein. Whoever you are, I’ll keep your identity private so that you can continue to provide a wide range of wonderful services to people, but I definitely want to Yelp about you.
If you can find him out there among the overeating videos and social media challenges — nope, I’m still not snitching — you can kiss your Ambien prescription goodbye and indulge in pure, blissful sleep — with benefits. Sweet dreams!