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Whore Next Door: Killer Wales - By - November 18, 2015 - SF Weekly
SF Weekly

Whore Next Door: Killer Wales

“Hey. Would you like to go to the Ultimate Surrender match with me tonight?”

The text message from Mona Wales popped up in my notifications bar just as I was trying to decide if my new R2-D2 dress was too much for a Friday night porn shoot. My heart leaped. Getting an invite to be seen on her arm at what amounts to the San Francisco fetish porn version of Friday Night Lights felt like landing a date with the prom queen I never stood a chance with back in high school.

Like many of my porn compatriots, I was a late bloomer. Though I managed to attain a working-class popularity during my journey through secondary school — hard won by honors classes with the right upperclassmen — I could never quite drink the spiked Kool-Aid of school spirit and organized sports. I was too devoted to books, unrequited love of my best girlfriends, and musical theater.

So Ultimate Surrender, the girl-on-girl wrestling porn site that features matches recorded live inside the San Francisco Armory, is about as close to the feeling of a “home game” as I've ever gotten. It's wrestling porn for sports nerds, and though it's all in good fun, the wrestlers, producers, and fans take it seriously. Each wrestler's stats are posted weekly on the site, and the performers play to win — for the monetary bonus, but also for the bragging rights. They face the risk of injury, but also the promise of glory among their peers and fans.

The site is billed not just as porn, but rather as an unscripted reality show in which teams go head-to-head in both tag-team and one-on-one events, with points awarded for acts like face-sitting, kissing, and — the “Golden Snitch” of the event — orgasms, which are worth 100 points each. The team with the most points at the end of the match is declared the winner, and the reward is the privilege of having their way with their opponents, via a comically large pink strap-on.

The shoots aren't open to the public, but a small crowd of employees and lucky fans on the right mailing list attend the tapings, acting as the wrestlers' hometown crowd. It's probably my favorite San Francisco date-night activity, and last week, I got to walk into that bright gymnasium with one of fetish porn's rising stars. Mona Wales is known for her commitment to filth, from the top and from the bottom, and lends her vision to notoriously hardcore sites such as kink.com's Public Disgrace and InSex's TopGirl.com. She's also Ultimate Surrender's Season 12 Featherweight champion, and she cheered, heckled, and coached from the sidelines through most of Round 1. But after that first round, hometown favorite Ella Nova was unexpectedly benched, and a production assistant came and told Wales to suit up; the team needed her. Suddenly my date was both the prom queen and the quarterback.

Before I knew it, she was whisked away to the locker room, emerging soon after in her team's fuchsia string bikini uniform. As the camera panned up and down her body, introducing her to the viewers, she pointed out toward the bleachers where I sat, beaming in my R2D2 dress. (Don't worry, I made the right call.)

“I'm gonna win this for you, baby,” she said, and blew me a kiss.

Nova had passed off a sizable lead to Wales, who rounded out the win alongside her teammate, Sophia Locke. As Wales strutted off the mat to get suited up for the strap-on round, she took off her fuchsia wristband and threw it to me in the crowd. I caught it —which I'm proud of, as I'm not usually very good at catching things — swooned, and immediately tied it into my hair like a bandanna. I wore it with pride for the rest of the night as we hit the town, sipping classy drinks and celebrating her impromptu victory.

I've often heard that, unfortunately, high school never truly ends. But as we grow up, sometimes we get to try out new roles. Sometimes the lesbian bookworm swaps places with the cheerleader, the popular track star trades spots with the nerd, and hopefully we all get our moment of magic. We all peak at different times, but suffice it to say, I'm glad I waited until my Friday Night Lights moments could include porn stars, martinis, and naked wrestling.