We did absinthe once in college. It made us mean drunks, and the assault charges have finally fallen off our record.
So when we heard through the Ex last week that the Feds have legalized the green, wormwood-laden liquor, we were like, “What The Fuck! You can't smoke a joint in this country, but you can guzzle 100-proof crazy juice laced with hallucinogens?”
Since its approval by the federal government in May, two brands of the high-proof liquor, Lucid and Kubler, have been introduced to the U.S. market. Both made according to original recipes, they are fueling a revival among the inquisitive and quenching the thirst of cultish devotees. … And an excess of wormwood can indeed be deadly, Conrad said. But the chemical reputed to carry the hallucinogenic qualities is present in such low quantities in both the current versions – as required under the federal approval – and the alcohol content so high at more than 100 proof, that the consumer would die of alcohol poisoning long before being seriously affected by thujone, Conrad said. That was also true of 19th-century absinthe, he said.
Ahh, I see. The modern stuff is less strong than licking the lining an old bag of shrooms. And that's the original recipe? Yeah right. I call bullshit on this story right now. Any absinthe afficionados fact-checking this fang-less craze? Tell me real absinthe can skull fuck you sideways with wormwood. Either that, or it shouldn't be called absinthe. —David Downs