It’s finally December, which means it’s time for cider, mulled wine, egg nog, maids-a-milking, cinnamon brooms from Trader Joe’s, Advent calendars with prominent Bush Administration figures going to prison where milk chocolate Jesuses are supposed to be, and a limited thermonuclear exchange with North Korea on Xmas Eve (probably).
Screw all that holiday crap, Applebee’s is doing the least-seasonal-sounding promotion known to humanity: $1 Long Island Iced Teas, all December long. As I have unmasked about myself previously, I’m originally from Long Island, which is a weird place where people shout a lot and turn euphonious Italian surnames like, I don’t know, Buglione [bool-YO-nay] into ugly consonant car-crashes [BEWG-LEE-own]. I went to the same all-boys Catholic high school as Bill O’Reilly and Glen Hughes, the leather guy/biker from the Village People; I’m way fucked up. My parents got married in 1977 and used to party at the Oak Beach Inn, a straight equivalent of Studio 54 where a man named Rosebud Butt — no joke — invented the Long Island Iced Tea in 1972.
If you’re a mozz stick, I’m a mozz stick.
— Applebee’s (@Applebees) November 29, 2017
I kinda sorta loathe Long Islands but also love them because I mostly love the idea of them even though also they’re the worst idea ever. If you’re aware that they contain five separate clear-to-clearish spirits but can’t remember exactly which, I’ll remind you that a Long Island is a tea-less beverage made with vodka, gin, light rum, tequila, and triple sec, plus sweet-and-sour mix to make it palatable and a splash of cola so that it doesn’t just look like tainted water. That’s one more spirit (five) than in the entirety of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol (four, the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, plus Jacob Marley).
Oh, and Applebee’s promo is called Dollar L.I.T. That’s pretty good, admit it.
Although the press release includes a bit of boilerplate about drinking responsibly, it’s not clear if there’s a limit per person. But after two, you might find yourself accidentally enjoying deep cuts from Long Island Music Hall of Fame members Twisted Sister. Patrick Kirk, vice president of beverage innovation at Applebee’s, OK’d an assistant to attribute these inspiring words to him: “The Dollar L.I.T. is kind to your pocket book and a great drink to share with old friends and new ones this holiday season.”
Holy damn, this is going to be nuts. San Francisco has only one Applebee’s, and it’s right where your quivering gut tells you it is, at 2770 Taylor St. by the Wharf, in the same building as Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Do you feel the inexorable pull of cosmic electromagnetic radiations alternately repelling and attracting you, right at the solar plexus, beckoning you via corporate repurposing of teen slang, just as I do? Don’t you at least want to see what tragicomically horrible things are going to happen next, keenly aware that this is the latest piece of evidence that we’re in the final spasms of it all coming crashing down because we’ve put all our eggs in a basket marked Sen. Susan Collins? Can you really resist its sweet-and-sour sirensong with the coo of the white-winged dove sounds like she’s singing ooo baby ooo said ooo?
OMG, Applebee’s follows me on Twitter. Like — for real. OMW.