Remember Palcohol, the product that sounds like a drinking buddy but which is actually a pulverized form of alcohol that you reconstitute with water? (The Feds approved it in 2015, but nobody seems to have brought this amazingly terribly wonderful idea to market yet.)
In the meantime, many music festivals have come and gone, along with plenty of other events where people sneak in lots of alcohol, which means we’ve all been paying top dollar for Heineken and praying for a better world. Eating Palcohol’s three-powdered martini lunch is the newest ghastly phenomenon: snortable chocolate. The Washington Post reported last week that it exists. Coco Loko is a mix of cacao powder, gingko biloba, taurine, and guarana — basically, an energy drink precipitate, ground to a fine dust. Or snuff.
And, in the tradition of all crazy ideas, it originated in Florida — specifically, the Orlando supplement company Legal Lean. Don’t you automatically trust any company that has the word “Legal” in its name? Nothing too defensive about that. Anyway, 29-year-old founder Nick Anderson says his totally-not-illegal product lasts for 30 to 60 minutes, and the effects are “almost like an energy-drink feeling, like you’re euphoric but also motivated to get things done.”
Hold it right there, buster. I have never experienced euphoria from an energy drink. Mostly I feel cracked-out and paranoid that my prefrontal cortex is going to explode, leaving me with just a medulla oblongata and a permanently elevated heartbeat. But Legal Lean’s website goes further, describing an endorphin rush, a serotonin rush, euphoric energy, and calm focus while also making an explicit comparison to ecstasy and claiming it makes music sound better. So it’s basically MDMA, cannabis, coffee, Four Loko, and maybe Devil’s harelip all at once. It’s also $19.99, although it’s unclear how many, um, servings you get.
It sounds like it’s marketed to teens who don’t know any drug dealers. Doctors are skeptical, and user experiences have reportedly been all over the map, but at least one rapper named Bezz Believe — who happens to be Anderson’s brother — has given it his endorsement. Naturally, this has not gone unnoticed. Sen. Chuck Schumer wants the FDA to investigate whether this is an acceptable OTC product, according to the Guardian.
What’s worse, something cool maybe being banned before you ever got to try any, or the thought of snorting chocolate at all? I wonder if the Mast Brothers are kicking themselves over this missed opportunity. Also, I miss Sparks.