Your Monday Morning Hangover: Tool, Van Halen, and for the kids — SANTA = CHILD MOLESTER!!!

(Tori, tori, tori | Photos By Ariel Soto)

Ok, we are officially in the Holiday Spirit. We've found our drinking rhythm and today we're not nearly as hungover as at the Pre-Party. We even went so far as to tip the Bayshore tree lot guy $10 on a $40 tree, because we were high. On spirit.

Now this fat, squat, Noble fir motherfucker is upright in our living room, glowing with the light of 1,000 LEDs. We're loving that smell of desiccating coniferous evergreen and we imagine all the surviving Christmas trees respond in kind — hanging humans out to dry in the deep forest, enjoying the fragrance of our essential oils and volatile organic compounds as we rot and decompose.

See, that pine smell is basically like b.o., but for a tree. And we wholeheartedly support the pit-stank of nature. This is your Monday Morning Hangover, I'm your CSI, David Downs.

We start with the quick A/V hit:

'Dorks Launch Flight of the 23-foot, $7,000 model X-Wing' (Good shit at minute 2)

You say the vid is old? From November 27? Ehh, fuck it, it's news to us. Stop hanging around YouTube so much. And now the Audio from L.A's acoustic/death metal/folk star Nate Denver. Stream that shit. He's going to be a star.

Now, WTF happened this weekend? Once again, we were everywhere and nowhere, like Jesus himself. We simultaneously ranked up 20 times on Call of Duty 4, while going to all this stuff. Since we're omniscient, bitches, we caught:

Tori Amos bringing the American Doll Posse to the Paramount. Love America's weird girls. Photog Ariel Soto put in work.

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