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Monday, February 21, 2011

The Rant of Rants: Chicken's (and America's) Cup Runneth Over

Posted By on Mon, Feb 21, 2011 at 7:30 AM

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I blame the liberal media...

People, are you hip to the Amercia's Cup thing? C'mon! In 2013 SF is going to be chock full of Billionaire yacht snobs and we need to organize. Here's the plan: we all join the Berkeley Sailing Club. It's $300 A YEAR! You get to sail any and all of their boats. No additional costs. Nor for lessons. It's all included!!!! So. We all have 2 years to become expert seamen. We learn to tie all the knots and get our sea legs. Then we get a bunch of these made in China:

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They'll sell like Hot Cakes! We're gonna make BANKSY!!!! We'll take the money and buy back the India Basin Fucking Marina that Joe Cassidy STOLE from San Francisco.

Then we can have our own little marina boating thingy with rentals and lessons. You see, San Francisco is a boat town. Duh. We have the seals to prove it. But the marinas are locked down. Super locked down. Willie Brown's administration sold the last piece of public waterfront to Joe Cassidy for A DOLLAR. Our bums are insulted if you give them a dollar. I wonder if they round the property taxes up to a penny a year? That irks me! Ya know what else irks me? That there are estates in SF... in the Mission even, that are an acre or two in size. With a few buildings on them. And they pay zero property tax. Zero. How? Well, the property has never been sold, so it's never been assessed. Passed down from generation to generation, a 12 bedroom mansion on Chenery Street pays a $30 electric bill, the same garbage bill as you. The same water bill. You can't get homeowners insurance on a property like that (the guy who owns it probably owns the insurance company anyway). And no taxes. 30 million dollar house. Swimming pool in the living room. Friggin' bushes in the shape of bunnies and shit.

Where was I? Right. Boats. You can't berth a wooden boat anywhere anymore. Only plastic boats. Boats made in a giant mold. The whole idea of boating is to build your boat. Sand the timbers by hand. Noah's Ark style. It's supposed to take at least 20 years. We need to sell America's Cup trinkets and buy back our marina in India Basin. We need to stand on the Embarcadero selling athletic cups with USA decals on them and make the billionares know that we have no class. We need to seduce them with our savy semenship skills and tie them up with the knots the hippys in Berkeley taught us and get their PIN numbers. So we can buy back our marina. So we can all have wooden boats. So we can be swarthy, brave, and sure. So we can take our friends out on 3 hour tours and break down and it takes all night and it's a disaster. We need a place to go when our wives throw us out of the house. This no wooden boat thing has got to go. And this Berkelely showing us up thing is just embarrassing.

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The Billionaires are coming to SF to slum it. Let's give them a rash...

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Chicken John

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