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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Five Lessons From James Franco's Twilight & The Descendants Review

Posted By on Tue, Dec 13, 2011 at 8:00 AM

click to enlarge James Franco critiques handsomeness.
  • James Franco critiques handsomeness.
In the Paris Review, a magazine about things that matter, our generation's most important creative person has written a compare 'n' contrast of the worlds of The Descendants and Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part One. This is a thing that happened.

Here's some of what he typed, presumably mashing his pretty face at a keyboard.

Franco Writes:

"both [films] deal with characters who are so financially secure that they are almost impossible to identify with."

Lesson: James Franco, incredibly successful actor-student-artist-novelist-critic (read: everyman), doesn't care for the financially secure.

Franco Writes:
"[The Descendants] features the gorgeous Shailene Woodley as his eldest daughter. It features her bikini so prominently that the two strips of material practically have a place on the cast list."
And:
"The actors prance about like pieces of meat, their disturbingly developed bodies on full display; Taylor Lautner's rippling teenage chest is just a little better than the child beauty-pageant stars at the end of Little Miss Sunshine."
Lesson: James Franco does not approve of naked teenage chests. Maybe if Taylor Lautner wore a bikini top?

Franco Writes:

"...considering that they already know the outcome of the love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob, the choice of a team can mean little more than--well, you can imagine."
Lesson: James Franco is coy. With these confusing hints, is he talking about fan fiction? Slash? Sexytimes role-play? Stalkery? What? Expect a documentary about the answer!

Franco Writes:
"Undoubtedly [Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part One] will dominate every MTV award category, including best kiss, best dude moment, best male shirtless scene, and whatever else the network that produces the Jersey Shore celebrates."
Lesson: It is important for James Franco to pretend he's never paid attention to MTV.

Franco Writes:
"Of course, a few other forbidden territories are broken in as well."
Lesson: James Franco doesn't have an editor.


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Meave Gallagher

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