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Monday, January 23, 2012

E.T. Once Sold Coors to Drunk Drivers

Posted By on Mon, Jan 23, 2012 at 3:15 PM

click to enlarge e.t._coors_studies_in_crap.jpg

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets.

E.T. Coors Ad

Discovered At: 57th Street Antique Mall, Sacramento

Somewhere in Hollywood, 1982.

"So, as we discussed, Coke, Reese's, Skippy -- they're all in the movie, and they all have ads and special packaging and all that coming out."

"Good, good."

"That leaves Coors."

"They're in the movie?"

"They're in the movie."

"All right. Put the alien on a beach slugging back a Silver Bullet. Maybe some bikini girls."

"Mr. Spielberg says it's a family movie."

"Okay. Put the alien at a barbecue, surrounded by his little alien kinfolk or whatever, cooking up some steaks."

"He's a vegetarian. He collects plants."

"Then put the alien on a mountain in a jean jacket bragging that Coors isn't pasteurized."

"The alien doesn't really talk. Just two, three syllables at a time. Remember the meeting with the Speak & Spell people?"

"Jesus. Look, the alien drinks Coors in the movie, right?"

"Yes."

"And he gets drunk?"

"Yes."

"Party drunk or lonely drunk?"

"Fall-down drunk."

"Fall-down funny or fall-down sad? Because Coors isn't going to want a sad goddamn

alien reminding everyone that alcohol's a depressant."

"He gets fall-down, uh, whimsical drunk."

"Coors isn't interested in whimsy."

"And his spiritual psychic connection with the kid causes the kid to be drunk, too. At school."

"That's something. How drunk?"

"Girl-kissing drunk."

"That's something! I see a big campaign, here: 'Coors Gets Kids Laid - And They Don't

Even Have to Drink It!"

"No."

"Not that kids wouldn't like it if they tried it, but with an alien around they don't even have to. This is so much more efficient than asking strangers to buy it for them at the 7-11."

"Mr. Spielberg insists that we not show the alien drinking or holding Coors."

"Then let's take the kid, and --"

"We cannot put a kid in an ad for beer."

"Well, what in the hell can we do?"

"Mr. Spielberg has authorized us to allow the alien to endorse the product only in such a way that the alien is also warning against the product's inevitable side effects."

"Christ. He's the Carrie Nation of aliens."

"And we are authorized to use one of the popular phrases associated with the alien."

"That's big of them. What are the choices?"

"'Phone home' or 'Be good.'"

"Huh. I don't like either of those, but if there's one thing we're not going to tell the drinkers of Coors to do, it's to be good."

"Perfect. Now, we need to talk to the Idaho potato people about Close Encounters. They're willing to endorse the dinner scene if only we can get Dreyfuss to look a little - here's their note - 'less obsessive.'"

ALSO:

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_close_encounters_bendable.jpg

And you may be interested in this Studies in Crap favorite, Letters to E.T.

Hey, you could do worse than following @studiesincrap or @ExhibitionistSF on the Twitter thing.

The mighty Studies in Crap e-mail list alerts you whenever a new SiC post hits. Sign up at studiesincrap@sfweekly.com.

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Alan Scherstuhl

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